


to be so lonely.

by cceebbee



Series: do you know who you are? [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Attempted Sexual Assault, Bottom Bucky Barnes, Doctor Steve Rogers, F/M, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Musician Bucky Barnes, Older steve rogers, Recreational Drug Use, Slow Build, Student Bucky Barnes, Student Steve Rogers, Top Steve Rogers, Younger Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:04:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 26,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27340126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cceebbee/pseuds/cceebbee
Summary: James Buchanan Barnes was born musical, and when given the opportunity, he takes a risk to pursue a career in the music industry.Steve Rogers is a hard working and ambitious young man, but is suffering from a plethora of internal battles.New York City brings them together, but will it also manage to tear them apart?ORA College!AU Stucky story filled with angst, angst and more angst, and it about to get a whole lot worse before it gets better.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Original Male Character(s), James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Series: do you know who you are? [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1996414
Comments: 11
Kudos: 28





	1. Happiest Year - Jaymes Young

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to this story!! I have been actively working on this series since June 1st and it has really become my baby! (I know I abandoned You Fill the (Donut) Hole in My Heart but I just have no oomf to work on it right now but I swear I will eventually get around to it!! 
> 
> So how this story came to fruition: I was reading the INCREDIBLE story Songbird by Chicklette, (PLEASE CHECK IT OUT, IT DESERVES ALL THE LOVE), and I was so inspired to write my own Musician!Bucky story, I couldn't resist! I also simultaneously was listening to the KING! Harry Styles and I got the idea of Bucky writing From the Dining Table about Steve. That’s the fic, that idea. 
> 
> So far I have this fic/series layed out in three parts and honestly it just gets more angsty as it goes! I didn’t want to post this until it was 100% complete because I didn't want to leave you guys hanging at any point! Part two is in the process of being written so just know that once this is all posted and finished, part two shouldn’t be far behind!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YAY! Chapter 1, meet Bucky and all his baggage!! :) Let me know what you think 😘

James Buchanan Barnes was born musical. His mother loved to tell stories about how rather than just kicking while he was in the womb, he was playing drums or writing rhythms. James always rolled his eyes, but in the back of his head, he knew she wasn't 100% wrong. Playing an instrument always came easier than playing a sport for James and at recess in Elementary school it was no shock to find him walking around the playground singing nursery rhymes rather than playing kickball or tag with the other kids. This isn't to say he wasn't social, everyone loved James and he made friends very easily. When he wasn't singing, he was organizing magical performances underneath the slide and directing the other school kids in play time performances on their favorite Disney reenactments. He charmed his teachers and the parents in town and everyone always knew he was going to be a showstopper. He stood out from the other boys in his small town in Indiana because he didn't want to play soccer or football or baseball, but rather he wanted to sing on the sidelines and band on the bleachers.

When the opportunity presented itself, James started playing an instrument and joined choir and in no time he was playing the violin and singing classic American folk tunes on a Thursday night in a dusty gymnasium like every other third grader in his neighborhood. When he got to middle school he quickly outgrew the violin and graduated to private piano and guitar lessons outside of school while also choosing to join the school band over orchestra. He started to play the trumpet but also would bang on the drums and xylophone when he could sneak away from his teacher. Middle school was when people started to pay more attention and realize that, “hey this kid is better than average, maybe he can do something with this.”

He became “Bucky” at 13 when he played for his first crowd and decided that James couldn't possibly be his stage name, no, he wanted something outrageous, extravagant, and memorable. That’s when James died and Bucky was born.

The middle school talent show was also when Bucky realized that performing gave him an outlet for his energy, his nerves, and he realized he could hold the attention of a crowd and actually entertain them. Not this sort of pity entertainment that middle school kids get, but people were actually interested. His classmates would beg him to sing during lunchtime and his teachers always told his mother that he had a “real talent.”

Well, James never really died, James just became the day job, Bucky was the passion. James still went to school, got good grades, and had friendship issues. James left middle school and went to high school. He took AP classes and joined the school musicals and he applied to college. James did so well in high school that he got offers from schools all over the country to pursue degrees ranging from theater to audio engineering. James took school very seriously knowing the better he did in high school, the more likely it was that he would get scholarships and his family wouldn't be completely burdened by his college education.

His family wasn't poor, but they were wealthy either. His father worked an average business job in the city, providing for his family, putting food on their table and a roof over their head, and they never went without anything they wanted. But they were a family of 6, James, his parents, and his three younger sisters Becca, Ava, and Lila. He lived a happy life with a happy family, but every family had its quirks.

His father never showed any interest in his passion for music and potential career in the industry, always hoping he would get a job in finance or law like he had. His sisters all focused on their own lives, never interested with what their older brother was doing in his room or what crowd he was performing to. They all had their own lives and their own passions that they were focused on. Also there was a significant age gap between James and his youngest siblings. As a senior in high school, Becca was only just a freshman while Ava and Lila, their young twin sisters were in the 5th grade, (beautiful, happy accidents, his mother liked to call them).

His mother was his biggest supporter, always having been from the beginning, never once having a doubt that James could achieve anything he put his mind to. She always supported all of her children and everything they wanted to do and James knew that no matter where life took him, she would be right by his side along for the ride.

And that's how James got here, computer in front of him, opening his college decision letters with his mom by his side. At his father's request he had applied and gotten into both the University of Indiana and Purdue University with major declarations in Finance and Engineering, both schools acting as his safety schools, both being in-state schools, and schools Bucky prayed to God he would be able to kindly decline. His mother was the one that urged him to apply to his dream schools of USC, NYU, and Berklee. He also applied to a few Ivy League schools for fun seeing as he was ranked 3rd in his class and had a nearly perfect GPA.

“I think I’m going to be sick” he whispered, his finger trembling as he typed in his passwords for all of his online portals, waiting for the clock to strike four in the afternoon when all of the announcements would be posted.

“Oh hush, you're going to get in somewhere and if not there is still time for you to apply to so many other schools, I can promise you that the universe will be kind to you and you won't have to go to the school your father made you apply to.”

“You can't be so sure, there are so many talented kids, I mean why choose a kid from Indiana.”

“James! Enough of that, with that attitude you’re going to get in nowhere! Now, open those letters so I can find out what city we’ll need to buy plane tickets to!”

Click.

Streamers, music, congratulations, flashing across his screen. 4 acceptances, 1 waitlist, 1 denied.

His mother was cheering behind him but he could barely compute what was going on.

“Oh James! Sweetheart you got in! Oh and they gave you scholarships! I knew it! You did it!”

He had been accepted to USC, NYU, Princeton, and Cornell, waitlisted at Yale, and denied from Berklee. He was thrilled.

“Holy shit” was all that he could muster up to say.

“I won't even repreminad you for your language, holy shit is right!”

“How do I even choose where to go!”

“You have time! Right now we have to celebrate!”

And celebrate he did.

For the rest of the semester James celebrated. After months of deliberating, talking back and forth with schools, and negotiating more scholarships, James finally chose to attend NYU Steinhardt with a Music Business degree, (a compromise he made with his father), and two minors in Songwriting and Piano Studies. By the time he had chosen a school to attend, he had put out an EP on Soundcloud and Spotify and had over 1 million views on YouTube of a cover of ‘Happiest Year’ by Jaymes Young. He had whittled down his core group of friends to the people that truly mattered to him, he attended prom with his best friends, and was gearing up for the summer of a lifetime before he left Indiana and moved to New York City.

James was slowly “retiring” as he liked to put it and Bucky was emerging. His friends now strictly called him Bucky and he had never felt so sure of himself. It had definitely been the happiest year of his life, if only he knew what to expect ahead of him.

*~*~*~*~*~*

“Alright I think that's everything.”

Bucky had filled the back of the family van with his clothes, instruments, and other sentimental things he would want with him at school. If it were up to him, he would be moving to New York City, one and done, so bringing everything he needed the first time made the most sense to him.

He would be driving out with his mom and Becca, seeing as none of them had ever been to the Big Apple before. The twins were too young to understand what was going on, and Bucky’s father made it very clear that he has no interest in taking off from work to move him into his dorm. So they split into their teams of three and three and they were ready to head out.

He gave Ava and Lila both a big squeeze, promising to call them all the time and send them pictures from his dorm. They didn’t understand why he had to move away for a long time and couldn't quite grasp the idea of him never coming home again, they didn't really know what college was and deep down Bucky hoped this wasn't a stressful situation for them. As much as they got under his skin and bothered him, he loved them dearly and wrote more than half the songs on his EP about them. Bucky’ sisters meant the world to him and he knew without them he wouldn't be who he was. He is blessed that they had such a supportive mother who raised them to be strong independent women who took no shit from anyone and if he was being honest he looked up to the three of them, even though they were younger. A small part of him felt like leaving them home in Indiana was cruel, like he should stay behind to support them, but he knew they didn't need him. They were Barnes women for pete's sake!

After one final sweep of his room finished, last minute hugs were shared, and a firm handshake with his dad, Bucky, Becca, and their mom pulled out of the driveway and headed east to their final destination.

They made a road trip out of the 13 hour drive, stopping in Ohio and Pennsylvania to see some attractions and spend a few days hiking and stargazing. After a week of leisurely driving through the midwestern countryside they began to approach the city, the traffic got denser and more industrial, and soon enough they were double parked outside of the Manhattan skyrise that would be Bucky’s home for the next year while he attended NYU. The three of them made quick work in unpacking the car and moving everything up to his 16th floor dorm room, only taking two trips back down to the car and soon all of his belongings had been deposited on his linoleum floor. He took a breather to look out the window and take in the view. He could see Washington Square Park from his window along with the hustle and bustle of the New York City streets below. He hadn't known what to expect when moving from a small town in Indiana to a major city, but this definitely exceeded everything he could have ever imagined.

“I feel like we're in a movie!”

Bucky was shaken from his daydream and turned around to face Becca.

“I know right? It’s crazy, you see this place in movies and on TV growing up but being here is like a whole different experience.”

His voice faded out as he started to ramble and he went back to looking out the window.

After a short pause a comfortable silence Becca spoke up again, this time much quieter as if she was trying to savor the moment for just the two of them.

“I’m really going to miss you, Jamie.”

He could feel tears prickle in the corners of his eyes and he refused to take his off of the window. He knew if he looked at Becca he would see the tears in her own eyes and they would both end up on the floor crying together. Becca was his best friend, even if he never told her.

“I’m going to miss you, Jamie” she repeated again, this time with more assertiveness in her tone.

“Please don’t let this city change you.”

*~*~*~*~*~*

“I feel like a new person!” Bucky screeched over the music blaring through the college bar he found himself that night.

After getting settled in his dorm and saying his final goodbyes, Bucky allowed himself to wander the streets of his new home for the next four years in search of dinner and as a way to get his bearings. His roommate, a boy named Peter Parker from Queens, was moving in later that day and Bucky wanted to give him time to have the room to himself like Bucky had when he moved in.

He wandered for a few blocks, finding a coffee shop, a music store, and a comic store, he was already feeling right at home. He grabbed a snack, checked out the keyboard section of the music store trying to decide if he should replace the one he had brought with him from Indiana, and circled back to Washington Square Park to sit on a bench and watch the world go by around him.

Sooner rather than later he had finished his coffee and got a text from Peter saying he was all moved in and would love to finally meet him! So on that note, Bucky made his way back up to his floor and the nerves he was feeling prior to meeting Peter immediately washed away. Of course he had done your average internet stalking when he was assigned his roommate but Peter looked even nicer in person than he had on his instagram profile.

“Oh my gosh, it is so nice to finally meet you James!”

“You too Peter, and please, call me Bucky.”

“You got it! You’re from Indiana right? That's so cool, I live in Queens and that's definitely not as fun as Indiana I bet.”

And just like that they fell into a comfortable conversation about their childhoods growing up, topics ranging from favorite color, to who they went to prom with. Peter was easy to talk to, never pushing for more information that Bucky wanted to give him and always know how to fill the awkward air. Bucky knew if things continued the way they were the rest of the semester was going to be great.

“We should go out tonight, I saw there was a freshman and transfer student social at one of the college bars around the corner, 18+ so no need to worry about having a fake yet, if you’re not totally overwhelmed from moving in I say we go! It’ll be totally fun and we can meet up with some other people from a dorm around the corner I know from high school!”

And just like that, Bucky was dressed and ready to hit town with his new college friends at a bar that was bigger than one room and had more than just a pool table. He sure wasn't in Indiana anymore.

Peter had introduced him to Ned, Betty, and Michelle, but she went by MJ, who were his friends from high school who were also attending NYU along with three sophomores who had transferred that year, Clint, Wanda, and her twin brother Pietro. The eight of them made their way to the bar and were all dancing, getting to know each other, and talking about the upcoming year and how excited they were to be in the city. Bucky learned that Clint had transferred from a community college in his hometown, claiming he wasn't ready to go to a traditional four year college right out of high school and decided that getting his gen-eds out of the way was the best choice hed made, while Wanda and Peitro had transferred from an NYU first years program that allowed them to spend their freshman year studying abroad in Europe.

“It’s sort of like we transferred, except we still were going to NYU just in Europe instead of in New York City.”

Bucky didn’t 100% understand but he just nodded his head and pretended like he did. He was happy to listen to their stories from Europe and get to know them better. It was nice to meet people so far removed from the cookie cutter, Indiana American’s he was used to back at home. One day in New York City and he already never wants to leave.

He was grateful that Peter had an established group of friends. He had only been in the city for one day and the thought of sitting in his dorm room while the streets came alive below him seemed rude and like a waste of time. The welcomed company from his new friend, roommate, and tour guide and his own friends was the perfect way for Bucky to get his bearings in this new space.

The music playing around them was loud and Bucky could feel it pounding in his chest. After grabbing food, getting comfortable, and talking a little bit with everyone in his new group of friends they had made their way to the dance floor where they all collectively laughed at Clint as he tried to do the robot while the rest of them danced in a small circle around him. The night soon turned into early morning and before he knew it the lights were turning on and they were getting tossed onto the street outside the bar.

“Food? I could use a slice right now” Betty suggested, already typing in walking directions to a pizza place that was around the corner from them.

Checking the time on his phone and letting out a yawn to the group Bucky announced, “I’m pretty pooped and I have a school of music orientation in like 6 hours so I think I’m going to head back before I fall asleep on a public bench.”

“Bucky I think I'll come with you, I have a few more things I want to get situated before classes start in a few days in our room.”

And with that they said their goodbyes, Peter and Bucky giggling the whole way back to their dorm while their new group of friends set off in search of pizza and a place to rest their feet before heading back to their own respective dorms.

“Thanks for letting me come out with you and your friends tonight Peter.”

“Oh my gosh Bucky of course! You’re one of us now! Just think of tonight as your formal welcome to the city and all of the craziness that comes with it!”

With a smile on his face Bucky settled into his bed knowing that it was only up from there.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Saying that it was “only up from there” that first night wasn’t necessarily wrong, but it definitely was a slow incline.

School picked up immediately after move in, orientation, and syllabus week, with assignments, projects, and classes becoming increasingly harder and his social life dwindling steadily. Peter was no different, being a double major in Biomedical Engineering and Chemistry will do that to a guy. They often found each other in the library with their head in a textbook and a large coffee beside them.

Today, Peter, Bucky, Clint and Ned decided to take a break from their homework and walk to the coffee shop around the corner to stretch their legs before they headed back to finish their work for the day. It was only Wednesday and it felt like the week was never going to end.

“I just didnt think school would be so difficult so soon, like I thought we’d have a few more weeks to fuck aroudn before shit got real you know?” Clint said.

“Dude, I feel you. And I thought high school was hard!” Ned said.

Peter and Bucky trailed farther behind them, both feeling exhausted and a little confused as to how Clint and Ned always seemed to have expendable amounts of energy.

“Did you finish the song you were working on last night?” Peter asked, looking up from his phone where his bio quizlet was pulled up.

“Yeah, I finished writing lyrics and music. Now I just need to record it and I’ll be ready to submit it, probably will be done by tomorrow, maybe Friday the latest. And if I can finish everything by Friday then I can actually go out this weekend and enjoy myself.”

“Oh yes! My exam is Friday during my 3:30 so I’ll be done by 5, we can get dinner and then get ready and head to MJ’s apartment for the pregame. She told me she’s throwing a rager with a bunch of the girls she met in her english class. And Betty’s inviting some of the girls she met during sorority rush.”

They collected their coffee and snacks and found an outdoor table to sit at where they shared memes and showed each other Tik Toks while they took a much deserved break. It was a nice enough day that Peter suggested they stay there and do their work rather than heading back to the library. And that’s where MJ and Betty found them on their way home from their last class that day.

“Hey losers. You guys coming to our pregame this weekend?” MJ asked, dropping her bag on the ground and sliding into the chair that was next to Peter.

“Oh definitely, I even got Bucky to promise to come.”

“Yay! Oh Bucky you should definitely play your song for us this weekend, I’m dying to hear it!” Betty added on.

“Dude that’s actually such a good idea!” Ned said, pulling himself away from his phone where he was showing Clint a video from the weekend before of him drunkenly jumping in the pond in Central Park.

And they were right, it actually was a great idea and Bucky had been itching to perform recently. Sure, he played his guitar and keyboard in their room for Peter pretty much everyday, but getting to play in front of an audience, in front of strangers he's been missing that.

“You know, if we can find the right place, I’d 100% be down!”

For the rest of the week, it was his motivator to get all of his work done and projects submitted. The song he was working on was an easy songwriting assignment where they needed to write a melody and simply chord progression. He quickly put together a love song, recorded the audio, fixed the levels on his computer, and once he was satisfied he submitted it with a smile on his face. It was something he really liked where it was going and knew he’d want to elaborate on later so he tucked the sheet music into his personal writing folder for “songs I want to write one day”.

By Friday afternoon, all anyone could think about was going out. Bucky finished everything he needed to get done, and even had time to take a nap. Peter finished his exam with a smile on his face claiming, “it was so easy, if I didn't pass I’m convinced the government changed my answers.”

They got dinner in one of the dining halls, watched an episode of Gossip Girl, and conducted a fashion show all by the time they were supposed to be on their way to MJ’s apartment.

When they got there, the party was already in full swing, college students of all ages mingling and hanging out. They spotted Wanda and Pietro hanging out with a group of people who they later learned were abroad with them. Betty introduced them to all of her sorority rush friends while MJ introduced them to her friends she’d met in her classes. Bucky was the life of the party, joking around with all the new people, sharing stories, and genuinely having a good time. After a while Ned and Clint made it and by then Bucky had had a few drinks, was making new friends, and was having the time of his life. Around 11 half of them decided to leave the pregame and head to a dive bar down the street for karaoke before they promised to meet up with the rest of their group later at the nightclub they chose to go to that weekend. Bucky, Peter, MJ and Ned made it to the dive bar which was much more lowkey than the pregame they just came from. There were a few college kids, ranging from all ages sitting at the high top tables and currently there was a girl on stage singing. As soon as they made it to a table and ordered a round of drinks Peter shot up from their spot and ran towards the door where three guys had just walked in. They were definitely in college, but obviously weren't freshmen.

“Hey guys! You gotta meet Tony, he’s my senior mentor!” Peter exclaimed cheerfully as he led the group back over to their table.

Tony and his friends made their way over to their table all waving and introducing themselves. The taller of the two was named Steve and the darker skinned boy was named Sam. They all made themselves comfortable at the table, ordering their own drinks and added to their group effortlessly.

Steve and Sam introduced themselves and quickly joined the conversation, asking where they were from, what their majors were, and how they even got into the bar if they were freshman. Well, Sam and Tony joined the conversation. Bucky could feel two eyes staring into the side of his head. He discretely tried to turn in his chair to get a good look at Steve to confirm his suspicion that the blond boy was staring at him. He was, in fact, unsuccessful, because Steve smirked at him and tilted his head in his direction as soon as Bucky’s eyes met his own. He quickly looked away and back down at his drink, blushing from getting caught. He took that moment as an opportunity to look up to the stage and when he found it empty he decided that was his chance to get away from the strange encounter he just had with Steve.

“If you don’t mind me, I think I’m going to take this as my chance to serenade you all.”

He jumped up from his chair and made his way to the stage, feeling the burn of those two eyes in his back as he walked away from the group. He tried to shake the uneasy feeling, almost like a burning under his skin from the way that Steve looked at him.

Pushing that feeling from his mind he made his way to the piano, sat down, and played a few scales getting comfortable with the instrument. In that moment any nerves he had slipped from his boy and he felt completely at home. He spoke softly into the microphone and introduced himself. He played the opening notes to ‘Happiest Year’ by Jaymes Young, a song he knew better than the back of his hand, closed his eyes, and let the music speak for itself.

He sang into the microphone and heard a hush fall over the crowd gathered in the bar that evening, all listening to him sing. He felt alive as his fingers played across the piano keys and the melodies he sang reached the ears of the people listening. He lived for this, the rush and excitement he felt when performing.

Before he knew it, he was finishing the song and his fingers started to shake with the adrenaline coursing through his veins. The people in the bar started cheering for him as he left the stage and made his way back to where his friends were sitting.

“Bucky what the hell, like I knew you were good because what Peter has told us but holy cow. You’re so talented!” Ned cheered, giving him his own personal standing ovation.

Bucky sat back down in his chair, a smile spread across his face as everyone at the table started to talk at once, all agreeing with Ned. He looked shyly in the direction and saw that the blond boy was smiling and nodding his head in agreement with everyone at the table.

“You really are talented, not everyone can get up there and do what you just did” Steve said quietly, so softly that the comment only reached Bucky’s ears.

Bucky continued to blush and soak in the attention as everyone complimented him, thanking them profusely and promising to play more music for them soon.

Once their round of drinks was finished and the clock ticked closer to midnight, the group decided to head out across town to the nightclub where the rest of their friends were waiting for them.

Bucky got up on wobbly legs, partly from the post performing feeling he was coming down from, mostly from the alcohol in his system. He felt large, sturdy hands helping him stand up straight and he turned around only to be met with Steve’s strong chest.

“You good?” he asked with a small smile splayed across his lips.

“Umm. Yes, yes I am” Bucky let out with a small chuckle and slightly breathless.

Steve set the pace of their walk, keeping them 10 steps behind the rest of their group, and held his hand the whole way as they walked out of the dive bar all the way to the nightclub, causing his head to spin.

Bucky could feel the strength in Steve’s grip and his heart fluttered with every squeeze he sent Bucky’s way. He could feel Steve staring at him as they walked but he was too tipsy to take his eyes off of the sidewalk in fear that he would trip and fall over himself.

As they approached the nightclub and the rest of their friends started to get in line Steve abruptly pulled him into an alleyway around the corner and pressed him up against the wall. Bucky had the wind knocked out of him as he looked up at Steve with glassy eyes and let out an unsteady breath.

“Remind me of your name again?” Steve whispered heavily in his ear.

A visible shudder ran through Bucky’s body and he could see a small smirk appear on Steve’s face because of it.

“Uhh it’s, umm. My name umm, like my last name? I-It’s -”

“Yeah sweetheart, just your name, I don’t need your social security or anything, I just want to know what to call you.”

Bucky moaned in his head and prayed to god he didn’t make a sound out loud. The hottest man he’s ever seen was leaning over him and he didn’t want to blow it.

Well, he most certainly did want to blow it, but he was getting ahead of himself.

Right. Just his name.

“James. My name is James, but most people call me -”

Why the hell did he tell him his name was James? As far as Bucky was concerned, he left James in Indiana so why he told Steve his name was James he has no idea. It must be the alcohol, or the feeling of Steve’s leg pressing between his own causing him not to be able to think straight. Steve’s lips against his neck bring him out of his daydream.

“Mhm James, I like the sound of that. And if other people call you something else, James can be my little secret.”

Steve leaned in closer, so close that his lips lightly dragged across the shell of Bucky’s ear and down the side of his neck as he continued to whisper. Bucky’s legs turned to jelly again but he just leaned further into the wall so as not to embarrass himself in front of Steve anymore than he already has.

And before he could process what was happening, the heat from Steve’s body was pulled away from his own and his hand was once again wrapped up in Steve’s palm. He dragged him off the wall and towards the line to the nightclub. Bucky never even registered Steve reaching into his back pocket and taking out his wallet to show his fake I.D. to the bouncer, he could only lean his body into Steve’s and continue to stare up at him.

“Your friend alright there?” the bouncer asked Steve as he nodded his head in Bucky’s direction.

“Oh he’ll be alright, that's for sure” Steve winked down at him.

The bouncer chuckled softly and waved both the boys through and into the bar.

Steve only let go of his hand after he winked one more time at Bucky and made his way into the club, presumably looking for Tony.

Bucky desperately tried to follow him when Betty was suddenly in front of him.

“There you are Bucky, we've been looking all over for you, you’ve gotta come meet my friends and take some shots!”

She grabbed his hand, her hand feeling much smaller and more delicate in his grasp than Steve’s had, and pulled them in the direction of the bar. He quickly looked over his shoulder, only to find Steve standing with Tony and Sam at a high top table. But what caught Bucky’s eye and made his heart clench up was the brunette girl hanging off of Steve’s arm, kissing his cheek. He couldn’t tear his eyes away and only stopped looking in that direction of the club when they were no longer in his sight line.

Shaking his head he let Betty drag him over to their own group of friends where people were hooting and hollering, taking shots and having fun. But all Bucky could think about was Steve, Steve, and Steve.

He found himself easily distracted throughout the night, desperately looking around the bar in the hopes that he would find the blue eyes he was searching for, and eventually he did. The mysterious brunette girl now had her front pressed against Steve’s as she pushed him against the wall and her lips heavily against his own, but that didn’t stop Steve from staring right back at Bucky.


	2. Live in the Moment - Portugal. The Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2!!! I really love how this came out and I'm so excited to hear what you guys think about it! I'll be updating this story every Sunday, so stay tuned! :)

Bucky knew from a very early age that he wasn’t straight, at the very least he settled for being bi. He’d had a girlfriend in high school named Emily who was very sweet, supportive, and everything he could have asked for in a so-called high school sweetheart. His friends and family were convinced they were going to get married, have babies, and live happily ever after for the rest of their lives. And for a short moment Bucky thought so, too. That was until he’d asked her junior year for more than vanilla sex and she politely declined him, (translation, he asked her to peg him and she responded simply with, “I’m not doing that James”). Bucky realized then that maybe he was bi, but maybe instead of a 50/50 split it was more like a 70/30 split, leaning towards boys. And it wasn’t until Emily had let him down easily at the beginning of senior year saying, “I think this is going to work better if we stay friends”, that he came to the conclusion that the split looked something more like 99/1. It was also then that he had his first hookup with a boy that he realized, being on top all the time was not that fun and he definitely liked the feeling of a little bit of stubble brush across his own cheek during a heated makeout session. So for the rest of senior year he and Emily stayed friends while he started hooking up with a boy named Brock and she started dating a boy named Jason who went to a different school. There were many reasons why Bucky and Brock didn’t last, the main one being Bucky wasn’t scared of his sexuality while Brock was heavily closeted and had an extreme case of internalized homophobia. Their secret relationship mainly consisted of hooking up in supply closets and empty bathrooms at school and locked bedrooms at high school house parties. Brock also never reciprocated what Bucky did for him. On more than one occasion Bucky had gotten on his knees for Brock only to get, “No I’m not gay, I’m not blowing you back” in response. It got tiring, always hiding, and while Bucky had nothing to be ashamed of, he knew that small town Indiana wouldn't be kind to either of them and took every interaction with a grain of salt. So after high school Bucky called it quits with Brock, wanting to make the most of his summer break before college with his friends and family before he packed up and went to college. He used it as a learning experience more than anything, which now he was very grateful for. 

Especially because now, he was in a bar in New York City being grinded on and heavily groped by a sophomore, first name Noah, last name forgotten, from his piano techniques class while his tongue was shoved down his throat. 

It's been nearly a month and a half since he moved into school, established a routine, and really started to make the most out of his first year college experience. Bucky, Peter, and their motley crew have been hanging out almost every single day and went out every weekend with a new smattering of party goers. 

It’s also been nearly a month since Bucky has heard from or interacted with Steve in any way, shape, or form. Steve has been on the forefront of Bucky’s mind since that first night but he hasn't had the courage to bring up his alley incident with anyone. Every time Bucky has seen Steve on campus, the mysterious brunette girl has been draped over his arm and Bucky couldn't bring himself to become a homewrecker or be any part of a potential cheating scandal. He didn’t want to think of their alley incident as anything more than a mistake and if Steve was in a committed relationship, then Bucky would just have to find a way to get over his brewing crush for the older boy sooner or later. 

On this particular evening, Bucky, Peter, and MJ were the only brave souls to make it out for Thirsty Thursday but Peter had promised that Tony and his friends, meaning Steve, would make an appearance later in the evening after they went to a real bar and not just one of the lame ones all of the freshman were guaranteed entry at. 

Bucky was vibrating with nerves and excitement. In the month that he hasn't been able to see or interact with Steve he decided to push him to the farthest part of his brain in an effort to forgive and forget about him. Bucky still couldn’t wrap his mind around his involvement in a potential cheating affair and was excited to see Steve tonight to clear everything up. His main distraction was Noah, this boy from his class who Bucky has become rather fond of and found himself spending all of his extra time with. The two have been hooking up ever since that first night out, after Bucky saw Steve locking lips with that mysterious brunette, who he now knows is named Peggy, Bucky decided to find his own companion. He found Noah that first night at the bar and the two of them hit it off, quickly moving from casual conversation to heated making out in the bathroom to leaving the bar together and heading back to Noah’s single dorm room where they would continue the evening festivities. They had no official label to their relationship and were by no means dating but the two boys did sleep in the same bed nearly every night and didn’t really have any interest in being with anybody else. 

The music was loud, lights were flashing, and Bucky is almost positive that Peter and MJ were laughing and taking a video while he was backed into a wall in the corner of the bar and kissed harder by Noah. 

Bucky pulled away first from the kiss to take a deep breath and gather his thoughts. He was tipsy and definitely not drunk and considering his morning class got canceled he was in the mood to take at least 2 more shots that evening. 

“We should go take shots. And then continue, but definitely go take shots” Bucky rambled as he pushed his body against Noah’s, his movements indicating that he wanted to move towards the bar but he also made it very clear that he was grinding into the hand pressed against him. 

Noah didn't remove his hand from the front of Bucky’s pants, instead he gave him a slight squeeze earning a low moan from Bucky. 

“How about I go grab us a round, you find a booth and we can pick up where we left off when I get back. Hmm?” 

Noah leaned in and proceeded to kiss Bucky’s neck, nipping the skin with his teeth every few moments. Then, suddenly, the heat of Noah’s body was off of his as he sauntered over to the bar. 

Bucky took a breather, looked around and found Peter and MJ already sitting in a booth looking at him with knowing eyes and waggling eyebrows. 

“I don’t want to hear a single peep out of either of you” Bucky let out as he lowered himself into the booth. Good thing he was drunk or else he would have been far more uncomfortable than he already was thanks to the stiffness in his pants. 

MJ just rolled her eyes while Peter let out a howling laugh, both of them also intoxicated. Bucky turned his gaze back to the bar where he saw Noah trying to get the bartender's attention. 

“You know, I think Tony and all of them are going to be ready to meet up soon. Do we want to stay here any longer or should we hit the next place and meet up with them?” Peter asked, looking down at his phone, most definitely struggling to read what Tony had texted him. 

“I’m happy here, I could always meet up with you guys when I’m done though” Bucky responds. Code word “when I’m done” meaning after he blows Noah in the bathroom and hopefully gets a handjob in return. 

MJ just nods her head, both of them knowing she’ll just follow the group wherever they go in search of a good time and cheap alcohol. 

Before Peter can say anything else about Tony, Noah returns with the drinks in hand and a smirk on his face. 

The four of them take the shots, all promising to Venmo Noah the next day and head back to the dance floor. The heavy petting and heated making out continued until Bucky felt a pat on his shoulder and soon after was ripped away from his kiss. 

“Yo what the fuc-” 

“Are you staying or coming?” Peter asks in a hurried tone, as if he'd been trying to get his attention for a few moments. 

“Staying, I’ll be quick. Text me where you end up.” And with that he returns back to Noah, catching his lips on his own. 

He can hear Peter cheer him on behind him and make his way to find MJ and meet up with the other outside. After a few moments getting back into the groove of things with Noah, Bucky makes a show of shuddering and leaning into the other boy's touch. 

“How are we doing this, hmm? Mine, yours? Quickie here? Or are you going to make me walk the streets with a hardon and swollen lips?” Bucky asks breathlessly. 

Noah doesn't respond, instead he grabs his hand and pulls him in the direction of the empty handicaped stall. 

*~*~*~*~*~*

The night had been eventful and exactly what Bucky had been itching for. After finishing his blowjob and receiving his own handjob, Bucky and Noah made their way out of the handicap stall and towards the exit, receiving some side eye from some guys waiting to use the bathroom and encouraging chants from other girls taking pictures in the corner. 

Noah pushed him up against the wall outside the bar, kissing him deep and slowly promising to text him at some point in the upcoming week to pick up where they left off, oh, and to work on a project for class. They parted ways, Noah heading back to his dorm, and Bucky in search of his friends 3 blocks up at another night club. 

By the time Bucky did get to the club he was close to blackout and was honestly surprised the bouncer even let him in at all. He knows he had a great time but he can’t really remember how the rest of the evening played out and if he got the chance to talk to Steve or not, (he kind of hopes he didn’t because he doesn't even want to know what he could have potentially said).

But that was Thursday night and now it was Tuesday and all the pent up stress that was released that evening out was back and Bucky could feel it in his shoulders. It was the beginning of October which meant two things were fastly approaching. One, midterms were in two week, resulting in Bucky burying his head in his textbooks and not being able to see Noah as much as he would like. Two, and more importantly, Halloweekend was quickly approaching. 

“Shouldn’t you be more concerned with your homework, rather than what you’re dressing up as for a stupid holiday that literally has no significance?” 

“Peter, I mean this in the nicest way possible, but shut the fuck up,” 

Peter, MJ, and Bucky were all currently sprawled across the boys dorm room, Peter on the floor with his textbooks surrounding him, Bucky sitting at his keyboard trying to work out a melody, and MJ laying on Bucky’s bed with her head hanging off of the side. 

“I just don’t understand all the hype. I have three midterms that Thursday, there's no way I’m going out the day before my midterms!” 

“Peter, that's why it's called Halloweekend. Fine, don’t go out Thursday, there is still Friday through Monday to celebrate!” 

“Whatever” Peter replied grumpily and Bucky couldn't help but laugh. Bucky noticed that Peter had a really hard time just living in the moment, always looking ahead and never appreciating where he was. MJ told him that because he had to grow up at such a young age losing his parents and his uncle and Bucky couldn't help but feel sorry for the other boy. 

The room fell back into a comfortable silence, Peter sticking his nose back in his engineering homework, MJ turning her attention back to her phone where she was looking at Halloween costume ideas, all while Bucky plugged in his headphones to his keyboard so he could continue to practice. It wasn't long before Peter’s attention dwindled and his head shot up from the equation he was trying to solve. 

“Oh shit, Bucky I totally forgot to tell you what happened on Thursday night!” 

And who was Bucky to turn down free gossip! With a happy sigh he quickly unplugged his headphones and made himself comfortable on the floor next to Peter. 

“Oh my god I was so drunk that night please fill me in on whatever stupid shit I did” Bucky said with a slight grimace on his face. 

“Ok so after we left you and Noah at the bar we met up with everyone else, Tony Steve, Sam, all those guys at the other bar and I swear to you Steve wouldn't stop asking where you were and mumbling about you under his breath--” 

“Oh wait Pete you're so right. It was lowkey weird because I thought for sure he was hooking up with that Peggy girl he brought to the mixer the other weekend but he was full on like, looking for you, and seemed genuinely upset that you weren’t there with us” MJ interrupted, swinging her legs down from the wall to also join the boys on the floor now. 

“What the fuck?” was all that Bucky could respond with before Peter started talking again. 

“Yeah and he kept complaining to Sam about going out and I swear at one point I think he even said something along the lines of ‘well I’m just going to leave if he doesn't show up in 15’ I was genuinely confused.” 

Bucky started at both of them with a blank stare, utterly confused about what was happening and the words coming out of his friends' mouths right now. 

The only time he and Steve ever really interacted was when they went out on that first weekend, and even then Bucky was still trying to dissect what happened between them, or better yet, just push it all to the back of his head and hope that he forgets about it all together. All Bucky knew about Steve was that he was friends with Tony and Sam, he was a Senior majoring pre-med and beyond that, he didn't even know the older boy's favorite color! How could Steve possibly be interested in Bucky at all? Didn’t he have a girlfriend?! 

“Why the hell is he thinking about me? We barely even know each other.” 

“I wish I could tell you. But the best part was when you walked into the bar, a little flustered looking, because obviously, you and Noah were in the middle of having a good time, and I swear I saw Steve’s eyes turn red!” 

“Ok MJ, now that being a little dramatic!”

But now that Bucky thinks about it, it really wasn't. He couldn’t remember very many moments from the bar that night but now that MJ brought it up, Steve had been staring at him the whole night out. After he got to the bar he admittedly was still a little out of breath and his already blushing cheeks heated up a little bit more every time one of their friends pointed out his swollen lips and hickies littering his neck and collarbones. Everyone had their fun poking fun at the younger boy, everyone except for Steve, only staring at Bucky and never meeting his eye fully. It was slightly off putting and in the moment Bucky had chosen not to fully notice what was going but now looking back on the situation he can agree that something was off about the older boy. 

“I just don't understand why me, like I was convinced he was straight!” 

“Maybe he’s bi?” MJ added, getting up off the floor to resume her perch on the bed. 

“Yeah I wouldn’t doubt it” Peter chimed in. 

Bucky didn't say anything in response and silence fell over the room again, MJ turning back to her phone, Peter back to his homework, and Bucky was left feeling extremely perplexed with this new found information. After a few minutes of looking at the wall, going over everything in his head Bucky decided to get up off the floor and head back to his own homework. There wasn't really anything he could do about the situation now, with midterms coming up not only was Bucky planning on not going out as frequently in the upcoming weeks, but that also meant he probably wouldn't be seeing too much of Steve. 

And Bucky liked Noah! Even though he had to keep reminding himself of this what will all of this Steve drama happening, Bucky really did like the other boy and intended to maintain his relationship with Noah. Regardless of how Steve has been acting recently. 

And anyways, he only saw the older boy when Peter would invite Tony and Tony would bring his friends, Steve being one of them. He’s never even hung out with Steve one on one, barely knows anything about the boy. It’s not like they're going to start dating and get married all of sudden because Steve said he was going to go home if Bucky didn't come to the bar one night. 

Steve was a senior and a Pre-Med major, literally doing the absolute opposite of what Bucky was doing meaning their paths never crossed. Bucky’s mind was screaming at him not to think about the situation too much, for all he knew Steve just wanted to look out for him because he was a freshman, or maybe because he liked his music! He probably didn’t even remember his last name. 

“Ok well now that you guys have got me thinking about this I can focus on anything else, can we go for a walk, maybe get some food?” Bucky said, not even waiting for a response as he got up from his desk and got his shoes on. 

“I thought you’d never ask” responded Peter, MJ following closely behind him. 

“Do you want me to call Tony, maybe he’ll bring Steve along with him and you two can sort this whole ‘I may or may not have feelings for you’ thing out.” 

Bucky paused and thought for a moment, on one hand, it would be nice to clarify everything so he could move on with his life but on the other hand he didn’t want to embarrass himself in front of the older boy and potentially ruin this already non-existent relationship.

Bucky just shook his head in response, “Nah, let’s just leave it, but I’ll invite Clint and the other, oh and I’ll text Noah I haven't seen him in a few days.” 

After shooting off texts to their friends saying if they wanted to meet up they'd be at the diner around the corner, Bucky, Peter, and MJ were out the door. 

“Well to change the subject, this gives us a perfect opportunity to plan out our Halloweekend costumes!” 

*~*~*~*~*~*

In the recent days after learning about Steve talking about Bucky at the bar, everything has reminded Bucky of the older boy. 

When they got to the diner Clint, Noah, and Betty joined them where they all discussed their halloween plans and outfit ideas. Betty said that Bucky could dress up as a White Claw with her and a few girls from her sorority seeing as they all considered him as an honorary sister. Everyone laughed at the idea but Bucky genuinely thought it was funny and said he’d consider it. 

Noah said he would be a doctor but only if Bucky would dress up as his sexy nurse and that alone had Bucky’s mind spiraling for a number of reasons. After that all Bucky could think of was Steve working as a doctor one day, dressed so professionally, and undoutbtly looking sexy as fuck in a white coat. (If he gave Noah a blowjob in the bathroom at the diner that night it was strictly because he felt guilty for thinking about Steve… ). 

But Bucky really couldn't escape the older boy now, he was even getting advertisements for the MCAT on his computer, (he knew the government was listening to him but he didn’t think they could get inside his head). 

Bucky was currently in his Basic Creative Arts class and yet again he was reminded of Steve. The class was one of his favorites, it was a requirement for his major but you could take it at any point which meant there was a variety of students from freshman to seniors in the class. Every student in the class was responsible for picking a medium of art to focus on for the duration of the semester. Bucky obviously chose music but some students chose dance, art, sculpture, poetry, you name it, someone was focusing on it. For the midterm each student was paired with someone with a different medium and they had to present on a topic using both of their mediums. Bucky was paired with a senior named Natasha who was an International Business Relations major with minors in dance education and ballet. When she first introduced herself, Bucky was completely intimidated by her and even though they've had half the semester to get to know each other he was still wary of the older girl. 

The way the class was structured was every student signed in and then were given the duration of their class time to work on their presentation. Bucky and Natasha were currently sitting in a collaborative room that had a barre and a wall of mirrors and they were able to fit one of the classroom pianos in. The topic they chose was ‘Balance of Life’ and Bucky composed a piece and Natasha choreographed a dance to the music. Now they were currently in the stages of practicing and perfecting but they were pretty confident with what they achieved so they usually just spent their class time fooling around, doing work for other classes, and talking. And even though he was wary of the girl the two of them have built a friendship over the past few weeks, having spent nearly every hour of their days together grinding out their presentation. They got to know one another relatively well and oftentimes Bucky found himself slipping little details about his life into their conversation. He brought up being from Indiana, his family, and even brought up Noah on a few occasions. When he brought up his roommate Peter however, their conversation took an interesting turn. 

“Peter, as in Parker? Does that mean you know Tony?” 

“Yeah! Peter invites him out every time we go out, he seems like a really great guy from what Peter tells us. How do you know him?” 

“Oh my roommate is one of his best friends, Steve Rogers, have you met him?” 

Of course, just his luck. The universe always had a way of bringing Steve back to Bucky, as if to tease him in some cruel way. 

“Oh yeah, I’ve met him a couple times.” 

“You sound less than enthused about him, what did he do? Do I need to smack some sense into him for you?” Natasha offered with a chuckle and a smile. 

Bucky took a deep breath and surveyed his options, on one hand he could just totally ignore the situation and pretend like he didn’t know Steve and act like nothing ever happened between them. Or he could share everything he's been holding in and try to get some explanation for Steve’s behavior. After a beat of silence he chose the later and told Natasha everything that happened that first night he went out and met Steve, from the karaoke bar to the near kiss they shared in the alley next to the bar. 

“But he’s obviously with that Peggy girl, I see them everywhere together and they were together that night at the bar and I feel terrible thinking about Steve cheating on her with me, like I don’t want any part of that I can’t imagine -” 

“Ok woah slow down Buck, let me get some things straight for you real quick” Natasha interrupted his rambling. 

“First things first, Peggy and Steve aren’t dating, they have no label but they most certainly aren't exclusive. Peggy went to her sorority formal with this guy named John last week, I promise he’s not cheating on her with you.” 

Bucky let out the biggest sigh of relief. 

“And Peggy and Steve have been hooking up on again off again since high school from what Steve has told me, it seems to me like it's more of a friends with benefits relationship if anything so I promise you have nothing to be worried about.” 

Another sigh of relief. 

“However, what is most shocking about everything you told me, I just want to make sure, we are both talking about the same Steve Rogers, right? Because the Steve Rogers I know is, his words not mine, ‘strighty straight’ like the guy makes sure he more or less announces that he would never hook up with or date anyone that isn't a girl.” 

And, ok, that threw Bucky for a loop. 

“From the picture you showed me and the memories that have been haunting my dreams for the past couple of weeks I can promise you that we’re talking about the same Steve” Bucky answered slowly, carefully looking at the expression on Natasha’s face morphing from disbelief into confusion. 

They sat in silence, Bucky not knowing what to say and Natasha looking like she was trying to choose her words carefully. She looked down at her phone and let out a breath. 

“Class is over in like 2 minutes, we should probably pack up, but let me just say Steve’s upbringing was pretty conservative so while I’m shocked by what you told me, I can believe it. Just let Steve come to terms with his feelings if you’re really as interested in him as you say you are and I’m sure things will fall into place.”

Bucky just nods his head in response, a small smile spreading across his face as he packs up his belongings and starts to roll the piano out of the practice room and into the hallway. He says goodbye to Natasah as they begin to part ways and promises to text her his final copy of the song he composed so she can add any last minute tweaks to her dance. 

And just like that he’s heading home with a plethora of new information that he’s dying to dissect and tell Peter all about.


	3. Like Real People Do - Hozier

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Steve and all of his baggage! Jokes, we will find out more about Steve as he develops, but for now, just try not to dislike him toooo much! 😅

Steve had always been an ambitious child. A natural born leader, on the playground and in the classroom so it was no surprise that as he got older and grew into his body he became very good at sports and was the captain of any team he played on. He was always helping people and his mother always received parise and comments about her son that always went something like, “You’ve got a good one on your hands” or “He’s going to grow up to be a great man some day.” Along with being a well respected young man, growing up in Brooklyn also made him tough and as he grew older, the thicker his skin got. 

Sarah Rogers was always extremely supportive of her son and proud of everything he did for his family, community, and himself, but his father always felt like he could do more. To him, there was always something missing from his performance on the field, he should have done a few more community service hours, and as he got older his father always commented on how he was never dating the prettiest girls. His thick skin came in handy when comments like that were thrown around. His father was never outright homophic, and growing up in New York certainly made his family a more librial, but that didn't mean their Irish Catholic roots did not run deep. There were always undertones of homophobia, but none of that really mattered anyways because Steve was straight, right? 

So as he got older, Steve did his best to woo the girls in his class by bringing them flowers, carrying their books, and paying for their lunch. He did everything a respected young man was expected to do. In high school he met the new transfer student, Margaret Carter, and decided that beyond her good looks and ‘sexy’ foriegn accent, her persoana and attitude were the qualities that really encashed Steve. He wanted to date her, so that's exactly what he did. After much trial and error he finally got the girl, who went by Peggy rather than Margaret, to agree to go on a date with him, and even agreed to sleep with him. 

“But this doesn’t mean we're dating, not exclusively at least.” 

And Steve wasn’t one to argue with the pretty girl. Deep down he knew, (or maybe he didn’t, at least not yet), he was doing all of this to appease his father and his constant comments of having a girlfriend and one day a wife, rather than himself. 

When the time came to discuss college, Sarah encouraged Steve to pursue a degree in something he loved. 

“You should apply to Parsons, or maybe a school in California, maybe even abroad! You love painting, maybe a double major painting and something slightly more practical like Advertising!” 

“Oh you could put your head to good use and become a doctor or a lawyer” his father would always add, dismissing any excitement or encouragement his mother would give him, always reminding him that if he pursued what he loved, his father would be disappointed. 

So with a sigh and some reconsideration Steve tucked away his hopes and dreams of art school and instead started heavy loading his high school schedule with Science and Math AP’s. He got a 5 on every exam he took and had perfect grades all throughout his four year. When it came time to college decisions, he got into every college he applied to, Columbia, Yale, Harvard, Duke, UCLA, UChicago, (and if he applied to Parsons and got in on scholarship, his father didn’t need to know). 

But even after all his efforts, Steve never felt like he could make his father proud. And it wasn't like his dad ever hid his disappointment from him. 

“You only applied to three Ivy League schools? Why not all of them? Why no schools abroad? No full ride offers? Is this a game to you?” 

Again, the thick skin came in handy. He knew all he could do was sign and remind his dad that he was trying his best, even if he was starting to feel like he wasn’t. His mother always knew just how to cheer him up, with a cup of tea and watching reruns of Friends together on the couch. 

When his dad passed away unexpectedly right before Steve’s high school graduation and college decision, he made it his mission there and then that he would achieve everything his father had ever dreamed for him. He would go to medical school, he would marry the prettiest girl, and he would do everything in his power to provide for his mother and everyone else in his life. 

He graduated high school as valedictorian at the top of his class and even though his father wasn’t there to see it for himself, it was the one time in his life that he felt like his dad was proud of him. 

His mother wanted him to go off and see the world, ‘college is supposed to be four years of education, travel, and self exploration’ she always used to tell him. But Steve couldn't bear the thought of leaving her in New York all alone, (and letting his father down more than he felt he already had). They came to a compromise, Steve would go to Columbia University so that he could be close enough to home, his request, but only if he would minor in something art related, Sarah’s request. 

Sarah knew that Steve wasn’t making these decisions for himself and no matter how many times she tried to convince him to pursue his dreams her son always just responded, “I am pursuing my dreams, I’m making dad and you proud.”

*~*~*~*~*~*

Steve spent his first semester at Columbia living the life he always dreamed he would. He was creating art in his intro to painting classes, he was partying everyday at the most exclusive bars in Manhattan, and he had a different girl warming his bed every night in his dorm room. 

But by Thanksgiving Steve was feeling overworked, lonely, and overall unsatisfied. He dropped his art minor to lessen his workload but all that did was add to his seasonal depression now that he had no creative outlet. The friends he’d made his first week of school weren’t people he wanted to be around anymore, and he found himself sleeping at home in his childhood bedroom more often than not. His mother could tell that he was miserable and tried to come up with some alternatives for him. 

“How about you take a semester off? Change your major? Transfer schools?” 

And, oh, that was a good idea. 

Out of all his friends from high school, only one of them left the city, and that was a boy named Mark who went to ASU because ‘I’m just going to inherit my family business after college, I want to spend the next four years partying’. Everyone else was scattered around the city, a few girls at FIT, some stayed in Brooklyn to go to Pratt, but the majority of his friends, including Peggy and his best friend from childhood, Sam Wilson, all ended up at NYU. 

After filling out the paperwork for a transfer and praying that he got in, he found out Christmas Eve that he got into NYU, it was honestly the best present he could have asked for. 

And things only got better from there. 

Steve, Peggy, and Sam were already an unstoppable trio, and they only had more fun the more people they added to their cohort. Peggy introduced them to girls from her sorority and some people from her dorm. One of those girls being an International student from Russia named Natasha Romanov. She added a mysterious flare to their group and over time Steve genuinely thought of her as one of his best friends. Sam brought in guys from his club soccer team and overall they always had a stacked group to hit the bars with. 

In Steve’s building lived a guy named Tony Stark who made Steve irritable and always had something to say but no one would deny that he was the life of the party. Literally, he was so high profile he reminded Steve of a real life character from Gossip Girl. There was always excitement when Tony was around. 

As the school year continued on, friends came and went, people changed their majors, but overall it was way better than anything Steve had experienced at Columbia. 

He finished his required courses and declared a major in pre-med but didn’t add a minor in anything art related, much to his mother's silent disappointment. 

And that’s pretty much how the next two years followed. Steve had his core group of friends, was on track to finish his major, he made time for fun and family, and had convinced himself that he was happy with his life. That was until his senior year when he met a freshman named James his first weekend back at school. 

James, or Bucky as everyone else referred to him as, went against everything he had ever learned, thought, felt; basically any emotion he’s ever had. It was so deeply ingrained in his psyche that he was straight, so why did he have the deepest urge to grab the younger boy's face and kiss the life out of him. For christ’s sake, the boy was a freshman! Steve was a senior! He was 21 going on 22, Bucky was 18, he felt like a cradle robber with the way he was thinking about the younger boy. But the most confusing part of all of this for Steve was that he didn’t all of a sudden hate women, he still found Peggy extremely attractive so what was it about Bucky that was scratching this itch Steve didn’t even know he had. 

The night he met the younger boy he will admit he had a little bit too much to drink, he was feeling more adventurous, bold. So when he saw the younger boy playing the piano in the bar the sudden urge to push him up against the wall and kiss the boy became too much for Steve. He needed to contain himself, he didn’t want his friends to think he was gay for crying out loud. So he did the first thing he thought of, he grabbed the boy's hand and at the first opportunity got him up against the wall in the alley and had his leg slotted between his, away from everyone prying eyes. Steve couldn't think straight, but in that moment he didn't really want to, he wanted to kiss the boy and James, (Bucky?) seemed like he wanted to kiss Steve too. But instead he pulled away, got them into the bar and found Peggy as soon as he could. 

Once he was in the bar he forgot all of about the other boy and locked his lips on Peggys. 

“You’re coming home with me tonight” he breathed out, the eagerness in his voice clear. 

“What if I had other plans?” Peggy asked, pulling away and placing both of her hands on Steve's chest, her voice teasing. 

“Cancel them.” 

“Gladly.” 

For the rest of the night Peggy was hanging off his arm, whispering filth in his ear every now and again. There was even one point where she had him pressed up against the wall, her lips moving passionately against his own while his eyes locked straight onto Bucky’s. 

(This only made Steve harder in his pants). 

“Let’s go.” 

Steve grabbed the girls hand, it feeling much more delicate and dainty in his hand than Bucky’s had. He kind of hated how it felt. But he couldn't focus on that right now. 

Tony and Sam shot them the same knowing look and turned back to their drinks as Peggy and Steve said their goodbyes and left the bar. As soon as they were standing outside at the curb, Peggy ordered them an uber all while Steve pressed his chest against her back, letting her feel all of himself while he kissed her neck and whispered in her ear. 

“Happy senior year to us.”  
*~*~*~*~*~*

Steve fucked Peggy twice that night and once again in the morning before she left for a mandatory sorority meeting. And for the first time in his life he felt unsatisfied after sex. He kissed Peggy goodbye at the door and she promised to call him soon so they could ‘continue the fun’. 

As soon as she left, he immediately went to jerk himself off in the shower, but this time thinking strictly about the brown haired boy from the night before. Instead of pressing Peggy into the mattress like he had the night before he imagined it was Bucky, spread out, hair covering his face, sweat dripping down the curve of his spine, and a soft whine leaving his lips, asking, begging for Steve to make him come. Steve tightened his own grip around cock as he started to pant harder, leaning against the cool shower wall. He thought about Bucky’s lips, his hips, him sitting in his lap, working himself on Steve and - 

Suddenly with a groan Steve was coming, hard and fast. 

He stared down at where his hand was still holding his cock, almost in shock, feeling slightly alarmed. 

He was straight, so why the hell had he just come the hardest he has in his entire life thinking about a boy he met the night before.

His hand felt like it was burning and his head was spinning. 

‘This can’t be right, what the fuck?’ 

He couldn't think straight. 

He shook his head, willing his thoughts away. He finished his shower and convinced himself that he was going to act like nothing happened. 

‘I’ll just never see him again, I’ll stay far away from him and then I’ll never have to think about him.’ 

Yup, that’s going to work. 

He finished up in the bathroom and in his bedroom and made his way back downstairs where Sam and Natahsa were sitting eating breakfast. 

“Looks like you had a good night” Sam said, smirking at Steve. 

“Sounded like it too” Natahsa added, not even bothering to look at Steve while she sipped her coffee. 

Steve shot them both a look as if to say, ‘don’t even start, but couldn't help contain the smile that was spreading across his face. 

“Well let’s just say it's going to be an interesting year” was all Steve could add before he sat down with his own cup of coffee. 

“That’s for sure, that Peter kid Tony’s mentoring is pretty funny, and his friend Bucky is crazy talented too!” Sam added, “It’ll be so fun to have some freshmen we can hangout with this year, it'll keep us young I bet.” 

‘I’m never going to escape this kid, am I?’ Steve thought to himself. 

“I can’t wait to meet them” added Nat, “But right now, I’m going back to bed to get the sleep I didn't get last night” she said, playfully glaring in Steve's direction. 

And just like that it was just Steve and Sam. 

Sam has been Steve's best friend since they were in preschool, they were in diapers together. If anyone was going to listen to his vexations about Bucky swimming around his head, it would be Sam. 

“Ok, so I need your advice about something I’m not really sure I fully have my head wrapped around yet.” 

Well, here goes nothing. Steve tells him everything, for the bar, to the hand holding, to the alley, and even about his morning. 

“Ok, spare me the details.” 

Steve shares the details and his emotions with great trepidation, even though he knows Sam is the last person on earth who would judge him, he still has no idea how to categorize his feelings for the younger man. He does know one thing however. 

“But I’m not gay.” 

“But it wouldn't be a bad thing if you were. Listen, I know your dad was always like, ‘women’” Sam said, with some jazzhands and his voice wobbling a little bit referencing to his late father's desire for Steve to date and, ultimately, marry a woman, “but it would 100% be ok if you were gay. If you wanted to date Bucky, no one, not me Tony or Nat, heck not even Peggy, would hold it against you.” 

“Yeah, sure thanks but that’s not something we need to worry about because I’m not gay” Steve said, this time wiht more conviction. 

Sam sighed and didn’t say anything for a few moments. 

“Alright then, I think what you should do is talk to Bucky. Sooner rather than later, before the semester gets too hectic, just share your feelings, tell him what's going on in your head and proceed from there.” 

“But I don’t want him to think I’m gay.” 

“Well, then Steve the only advice I can offer is don’t play with the kids heart if you don't know how you're feeling, don't drag him into a messy situation you won't be willing to clean up.” 

And with that Sam gets up from the table and heads down the hall to his room. 

‘Well that didn't go according to plan’ thought Steve. 

With a final glance down the hall where Sam disappeared, Steve finished his coffee and got up himself. He decided he would follow his first plan, just avoid the kid at all costs and pretend like last night never happened. 

*~*~*~*~*~*

But of course that didn’t happen. As the semester got busier, the less time Steve spent going out and the more time he spent studying for the MCAT and his classes as a whole. That didn’t mean he wasn’t constantly thinking about Bucky though. He couldn't get the younger boy out of his head. He started hanging out with Peggy less and jerking off more and the first time he saw Bucky with that Noah kid he nearly punched a hole in a wall. Steve couldn't stop all of his thoughts from revolving around Bucky and it was starting to get to his head. Of course, no one knew that the younger boy was the reason for his extra irritability so when Tony persuaded him to come out with them one weekend closer to midterms Steve thought, ‘what could go wrong?’

Alot, apparently. 

Steve hadn’t had nearly enough to drink and even worse, Bucky wasn't even at the bar. Everyone was there, Sam, Tony, Peter and all of his friends, everyone except the one boy he wanted to see. 

‘Aren't we supposed to be avoiding him?’ Steve thought to himself. 

Sam interrupted his train of thought when he shoved a drink in his hand. 

“Stop worrying, I’m sure he’s on his way.” 

“Yeah well I’m just going to leave if he doesn't show up in 15.” His voice trailed off because at that exact moment Bucky walked into the bar. 

His hair was ruffled, his cheeks were flushed pink and his lips were swollen. There was a bright smile on his face and Steve was seeing red. 

‘He was definitely with that Noah kid. Good thing he didn’t show up to the bar with him or else… Or else what?’ Steve thought. 

Bucky wasnt his, and even more so, Steve wasn’t gay! 

“Chill out, you're staring at the kid like you're going to take a bite out of him.” Sam shoved him. 

Steve could only grunt in response, choosing that moment to remove himself from the group to grab another drink and head to the bathroom quickly before his temper got the better of him. 

All he could do was keep repeating, ‘I’m not gay, I’ll get over this soon enough’ over and over again in his head, willing himself to calm down. 

“You’re not gay, don’t worry about it, Steve” he whispered to himself in the mirror of the bathroom. 

With one last sip of his drink he straightened his shoulders, held his head high, and willed himself to go back to the group and to stop thinking about the younger boy who was slowly worming his way into his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I also just want to add, I don’t go to ASU, I know nothing about ASU, I’ve just heard it’s a party school and therefore it became the butt of my joke in this chapter. No hate to ASU.


	4. when the party’s over - billie eilish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty!! Things to note!! There is attempted sexual assault and drug use in this chapter! Please proceed carefully if those things are going to make you uncomfortable/trigger you/etc! Take care of yourself, this is just fan fiction 😘If you don't want to read this chapter, a summary will be at the end!!

Midterms came and went as expected, everyone feeling extremely overwhelmed by classes and exams that their respective friend groups all seemed to drift a bit. Bucky and Peter spent the majority of their time together seeing as they were roommates but even then Peter was spending 22 of his 24 hours a day working with Tony while Bucky has been practicing nonstop with Natasha the days leading up to their midterm presentation. But everything had gone swimmingly, as they planned. Bucky didn’t miss a note of his composition and Natasha danced like her life, (better yet, her grade), depended on it. They were so pleased and satisfied working together they even opted to do the final together. 

But on top of a stellar performance with Nat, Bucky did have 4 more midterms he needed to focus on. One was for a business 101 class that he paid little to no attention to, another was a music theory class but he had taken the AP in high school and found the written exam rather easy. He did have one economics class that gave him a little bit of trouble but Bucky would be satisfied if he got a C in the class overall. 

One of the classes, arguably his favorite, Bucky was taking this semester was intro to songwriting. For their midterm they had to put together an EP that would eventually evolve into an album, which they would submit as their final at the end of the semester. They were rewarded extra credit if they performed the songs themselves and as soon as Bucky heard that he knew it was going to be his favorite class of the semester. Bucky wrote 5 songs for his initial EP and had another 5 ready to be produced for the final. This album evolved from being only a school project into Bucky’s most recent passion project.

His professor encouraged them all to share their music with their friends and family and that's exactly what Bucky did. When he finished his first song it went viral on SoundCloud and from there he only started gaining more and more followers across all of his social media platforms. With every finished song he posted online, the more people followed him and the more attention he got from fans and other musicians, (Conan Gray posted an Instagram story with Bucky’s song in the background and he nearly lost it in the middle of this class). One of the songs even went viral on Tik Tok and had over 8 million streams on the app. That was the day Bucky realized things might be getting a little bit crazy. People in his non-music related classes were coming up to him saying they'd heard his song, people from his hometown he barely talked to in high school had been texting him, and his followers on Instagram had skyrocketed from his already high 3.6 thousand followers to well over 15 thousand seemingly overnight. And he nearly passed out when the blue verified check mark appeared next to his name. 

But the highlight of Bucky’s day, week, month, year even! Was when he woke up to hundreds of texts telling him he had been featured on a Spotify ‘Best New Artists’ playlist that week. 

“Oh my god my roommate is a celebrity, it’s like living with a youtuber, but better because” Peter said sleepily as he and Bucky cuddled together in his twin-xl dorm bed watching his follower count continue to climb. 

Then he heard his song on the radio for the first time with MJ and Betty at the Starbucks around the corner from campus and he burst into tears there and then. Sure he got some strange looks, but his SONG was on the RADIO! Give a guy a break! 

Bucky’s professor was just as blown away as he was by all the attention. 

“Bucky, in all my years of teaching, students have gotten online recognition, some have even gone viral, but nothing like this! And your music deserves the accolades and praise it’s receiving, you're a truly talented young man.” 

Bucky wanted to hug the man. It was one thing to put out music and enjoy it yourself, and he knew his friends would be nice to him even if it sucks, but to get such a positive response? Bucky didn't quite know how to react. 

Well, he did know how to react, and that was to party. Once midterms were over and there was a period of relaxation, Bucky partied. They went on a week-long bender, skipping a few classes because of hangovers and excessive day drinking, but hey! Bucky’s song was on the radio! And with halloweekend right around the corner it seemed appropriate to get ready for the festivities. 

Bucky had costumes planned for the three nights of halloweekend, friday, saturday, and sunday. He was going to be a White Claw with the girls, Freddie Mercury on actual Halloween, (it only seemed appropriate), and on the last night he and Noah were dressing up naughty Twister. 

Currently it was Thursday evening and Noah and Bucky were walking to the dinner where they were going to meet MJ, Betty, Ned, Peter, basically their whole group of friends before they went to a pre-weekend halloween party at Clint’s apartment. Everyone was finishing up their midterms for the week, Bucky’s having all been between Monday and Wednesday, meaning he had the later half of the week to celebrate his music and get ready for the weekend ahead of them. 

Noah slotted his hand into Bucky’s and pulled him closer as they walked down the sidewalk. The two boys had decided to put a label on their relationship and were now exclusive and Bucky couldn't be happier. He got to have Noah all to himself, whenever he wanted. And as happy as he was, he couldn't help himself from thinking about Steve every now and again. He hasn't really heard from the older boy since the first few weeks of school and even then anytime he does see Steve it's when they're out and Noah is always out with them so Bucky gives him all his attention, rather than Steve. He has heard through the grapevine, a.k.a Natasha, that Steve and Peggy officially called off their on again off again hooking up arrangement because Peggy entered an exclusive relationship, but beyond that Bucky knows nothing else. He does know that it was Steve who wanted to call it off first, however. 

But Bucky didn't pay any extra attention to that than he needed to, he was happy with Noah, at least, that's what he kept telling himself. 

“So is this party at Clint’s a costume party?” Noah asked, dragging Bucky away from his Steve thoughts. 

“Fuck, I sure hope not, I didn’t even think about that. I only have costumes for the weekend but maybe we can scrape something together, maybe borrow some of MJ’s sparkly glitter and say we're from Euphoria.” 

“I think you could definitely pull that off” Noah said, quickly pressing a kiss to Bucky’s lips following his response. 

They made it to the diner and found their group already seated and getting ready to order so they rushed in and took the seats left for them. They fooled around and went around the tabel sharing their midterm horror stories, all thankful that the week from hell was over and soon enough they would be able to spend the weekend drunk and having fun. 

*~*~*~*~*~*

As it turns out Clint’s party was a costume party so with some complaining and wiggling Bucky got his Euphoria makeup done and was just waiting on Peter and Noah to finish up. 

“I feel like this is such a cop out costume” complained Peter from where he was sitting as MJ finished adding glitter to his cheek bones. 

“Maybe, but think of the Instagram you’ll be able to post, it’ll be iconic” Noah said, excitement present in his voice as he adjusted his sheer top in the mirror. 

Bucky couldn't wait to get home and get him out of it. 

“Yeah I guess…” Peter added as MJ continued to fuss with him.

After a couple rounds of shots, the four of them were heading out of the building and down the street to Clint’s. The cold air felt nice against their heated skin, partly because of the alcohol, partly because of the 7 minutes in heaven Bucky and Noah shared while MJ chased Peter around their dorm with a mascara wand.

When they arrived at Clint’s the music was blaring and the majority of their friends were already present, Wanda, Pietro, the girls from Betty’s sorority, even Tony, Sam, Steve and Natasha. Bucky shot a friendly smile at Nat, gesturing that he’d be right over and made his way to grab a drink. Noah stayed close to him, a hand on the small of his back at all times as they grabbed two beers from the fridge. 

The room was crowded and before they even made it back to their core group of friends Bucky was being stopped by some kids from one of his classes, talking about how great his music was. 

“Hey, we’re about to smoke a little bit, maybe do some lines, you in?” asked one of the boys, Bucky was pretty sure he was from his business class. 

Bucky turned to gage Noah’s body language. He wasn't about to force the boy into something he didn't want to do. 

“Um, I think I’ll sit this one out, but I’ll stay by your side” Noah responded, slightly apprehensive about the situation as a whole. 

Bucky turned back to the boy from his class and responded with a smirk on his face, “Yeah I’m in.” 

He saw Nat out of the corner of his eye send him a questioning glance but he just waved her off, held up his phone, and gave the motion that he’d text her and be back in a bit. Bucky and Noah quickly followed the business class boy, who’s name he gathered was John, out to the back terrace. They were greeted by another boy and two girls, all of whom Bucky had definitely seen before but never interacted with. 

John gestured for Bucky to sit on one of the outdoor bean bags, and he pulled Noah down with him. 

John started to talk to the other out there, making small conversation while he simultaneously pulled out a grinder and started to fill his bowl. He felt Noah grow slightly tense beside him so he ran his hand up and down his back in an effort to sooth the other boy. He pulled him in close, gave him a kiss, and soon after pulled away so he could take the bowl from John, but never taking his hand off of the other boys’ thigh. 

Bucky had smoked before, once at a grad party back home, and a few times in college, but he definitely wasn't a regular. So it wasn’t a surprise when he coughed a bit after taking his hit and passed the bowl back to John. 

“So you’re the dude that's going like crazy viral right now, right?” asked one of the girls sitting opposite Bucky. 

“Yeah, that would be me” Bucky said with a chuckle, leaning in closer to Noah. 

“Dude you’re so taltende, what the fuck! Why are you even in college, you should just drop out and like, go on tour!” 

A couple of the others started the chime in, agreeing with the statements that were being made and Bucky was feeling very grateful. 

They continued to talk outside for a little bit longer, taking sips and hits every now and again until Bucky could feel Noah start to shiver by his side. 

“Hey guys, I think Noah and I are going to head back inside but I’ll come find you later for sure” Bucky said and laughed as John held his finger up to his nose and made a swinging motion with his head. Bucky winked back at the other boy, siglining that he understood what he was putting on the table. 

‘Alright bud, we’ll find you later.” 

‘With a hand on the small of his back, Bucky guided Noah back into the small college apartment and over to where their friends were standing. 

“I’m sorry about that, I could tell you hated it” Bucky whispered into Noah’s ear. 

“I’m not going to lie, I wasn’t a fan and I probably won't come with you next time, but it didn’t bother me, as long as you like, I don’t know, don’t fucking die.” 

“I’m not planning on it baby” and with that, Bucky pressed Noah into a corner and soon his lips were on the other boys. Bucky was definitely feeling crossed at this point, drunk enough that he was wobbling and high enough that he was a little lucid. He felt good. 

Enough time had passed, slowly kissing Noah, content with his situation, until he felt hands on his shoulders pulling him away from Noah. 

“What the fuck- oh hey Peter.” 

In front of him stood an extremely intoxicated Peter, precariously being held up by MJ and Betty. 

“I hate the break up of the love fest but could you guys help me bring him home?” 

Before Bucky could even respond Noah was pushing past him and taking all of Peter’s weight onto his shoulders.

“I’ve got it, Bucky I know you want to stay and to be honest I’m not really feeling well. I’ll take Peter back and keep him company until you get back” Noah rushed out, and before Bucky could object, he was gone, both of the girls following after him. 

And, ok. Bucky watched as Noah walked out of the crowded apartment. Bucky started to wander around, trying to find any familiar face. He stopped to say ‘hi’ to some people, and talked to some people very briefly about his music until he finally saw Natasha out of the corner of his eyes. He finished his conversation and smacked his way through the crowded apartment where he was greeted by Nat, Tony, and oh would you look at that, Steve. 

The three of them were huddled in the corner, drinking beers, and poking fun at each other. Nat was dressed as a spy, Tony had one of those tacky ‘this is my costume’ t-shirts on, and Steve had a sheet over his head. As Bucky walked over he could hear Steve defending himself. 

“Dude, this is a trend on Tik Tok right now, I swear!” 

“Hey guys! I’ve been walking around looking for you guys everywhere” Bucky interrupted. 

Natasha threw her arm over his shoulder, clearly a little bit drunk. 

“I say, we’ve pregamed enough so let's hit the real bars, shall we?” 

“I’m down, I’ve had enough of this, let's pack it up ghosty” Tony said, patting Steve on the back as they made their way towards the door. Nat and Bucky shared a look and followed the other two boys to the door. They gathered their crowd, said bye to the others, and Bucky sent a smile to John as they passed him on the way out and promised to smoke with him soon. 

“Since when have you done drugs?” Steve asked, sliding in close next to Bucky as they walked down the sidewalk. 

“Since never, I mean, unless we want to count weed as drugs, then on and off since high school but like, I don’t do hard drugs.” 

“Would you ever do hard drugs?” 

“Why does it matter, are you going to reprimand me like my dad?” 

“Well I wouldn’t be opposed if you wanted to call me daddy.” 

And, ok, that made Bucky start to sweat. Once again Steve and Bucky found themselves a few paces behind everyone else on the sidewalk, both a little tipsy, Bucky halfway to being crossed, and Steve’s hand was slowly sneaking his way up his back and in between his shoulders. 

“I have a boyfriend, you do know that right?” 

“Hmmm, details” Steve murmured as he got closer and closer to Bucky. 

“And you do realize you’re drunk?” 

“Again, details.” 

Even though his dick was saying one thing, his brain was screaming another, so Bucky pushed Steve away from him, shot him a confused look, and picked up his step to catch up with Nat. 

His heart was racing and his head was spinning. He really liked Noah, he knew that, but the ‘details’ were starting to fade and everything was starting to blur together. Before he knew it, he was passing his ID to the bouncer and was being pulled into the bar by Nat. 

They took shots and danced the night away, and his Euphoria glitter was slowly smudging everytime he pushed his hair out of his eyes. Bucky was thoroughly crossed now, having reached his high a long time ago, mixed with all the shots Nat kept shoving down his throat, there was no promise that he would remember any of this in the morning but he was definitely having fun in the moment. 

Currently, Bucky could register the hand on his hip and someone was pressed up behind him, the ‘who’ aspect of his situation was the question. He couldn’t really feel beyond his eyes, and his body felt heavy and disoriented. The hands planted on his hips started to travel up and down his sides and soon one of the unclaimed hands were reaching down the front of his pants. Bucky could hear himself whimper in protest and tried to move away, this definitely wasn’t what he signed up for, and he didn’t think it was Noah, didn’t he leave earlier in the night? 

The hand in his pants squeezed. 

Right, focus, the hand. Bucky started to wiggle away, choosing to open his eyes fully and try to focus on the world around. He made a game plan in his head; find Nat and go home.

The man behind him was now whispering in his ear and Bucky was getting anxious, he was trying his best to get away but the bar around him was loud and crowded and he was having a hard time focusing his eyes on anyone around him. 

He continued to fight, trying to get away, but before long the man got a grip on his upper arm and started to pull him towards the toilets. Bucky was panicking now, but unable to really react because of how intoxicated he was. 

It was only when he was about to be shoved into the stall when his body was ripped out of the man's grasp and he heard a ‘crack’ of someone’s nose breaking. While all of the commotion was happening he had been pushed into the arms of a woman, Nat, and it was only then that he realized that he was crying. 

“Bucky oh my god, I’m so sorry, shhh, come here, come on let's head home” Nat spoke soothing words into his ear. 

Behind him, Steve was cursing out the drunk man who had grabbed Bucky in the first place. 

Nat kept her arms around Bucky’s waist, guiding him out of the bar and getting him safely outside into the October air. 

Nothing made sense and the adrenaline in Bucky’s body after the encounter was wearing off and soon enough Nat was unsuccessfully dragging him along the sidewalk. 

“Come on Buck, we’re so close to the dorm, come on move those feet for me I can’t pick you up.” 

His head lulled to this side but he didn’t respond, he couldn't, he knew if he opened his mouth he would vomit, either from the alcohol or the unwanted touches but he knew there was no alternative, vomit was an inevitable. 

“Here, Nat, I got him” said Steve from behind them, his footsteps getting louder as he ran to catch up with them. 

Soon, he was being scooped up into the older boys hands and walked down the sidewalk. Nat was brushing his hand out of his face and he could feel Steves arms tighten under him with every step they took. By some stroke of luck, Bucky was able to close his eyes and not freak out until Nat was placing a kiss on his head and saying goodnight. 

“I can bring him up Nat, you can head home.”

Steve continued to carry Bucky all the way up to his room in his dorm. He somehow managed to open all of the doors and maneuver Bucky’s body carefully onto his bed. He got a tissue and whipped off the remaining glitter on his face and helped him get into bed. 

“Bucky if you need anything at all, call me ok?” 

“Ok, but where’s Peter?” 

Steve quickly looked around the room, only just realizing that the other boy wasn’t sleeping soundly in his bed. 

“Um, I’m not sure… oh! Here’s a note!” 

“I’m with MJ! Don’t worry about me!  
\- Peter 

And, ok, Bucky was gonna be alone tonight he guessed. He was still definitely drunk, maybe a little high too, and he still felt he was going to vomit, feeling the man's hands on his hips still. He must have whimpered or made a sad sound because soon enough Steve was by his bed with a hand in his hair trying to sooth the younger boy. 

“No, please don’t leave.” 

“Buck, I can’t stay here, I don’t want anything to happen that I’m going to regret.”

“But I just want you, Steve.” 

Bucky’s eyes slowly closed again, an indicator as to just how drunk and exhausted the younger boy was. 

Bucky was scooting over, drunkenly patting the open part of his twin bed, almost as if he was silently begging for Steve to get in with him. 

“Ok Buck, but on until you fall asleep.”

Steve was warm, his body was solid, and Bucky felt his insides light up. He felt, safe, content, happy, the boy was basically purring into his shoulder. He nuzzled his nose into Steve’s shoulder and smiled contentedly as Steve put his arm around Bucky and pulled him into his chest. 

Bucky was fading fast, sleep overtaking him, his drunkenness making it hard to think but he became slightly alert when he felt Steve’s hand brush down his back and his lips pressed softly against his own. 

Bucky was crossed and he knew Steve was touching him now, but he couldn’t be arsed to care. Right now he just wanted the older boy to keep touching him, longer, harder, lower. 

And soon, everything turned to black. 

*~*~*~*~*~*

He’d left the curtains open the night before, so right now his dorm room was filled with sunlight, and it was shining directly in his eyes. 

With a groan, Bucky slowly opened his eyes and went to stretch his arms when he felt the warm body behind him. He tried to think back to the night before but could recall anything passed getting into the bar. 

He internally shrugged, assuming that Noah had just come back to his room when he left the pregame. Before Bucky could turn around to greet his boyfriend, a wave of nausea hit him and had him running to the bathroom across the hall. 

He gave himself a few minutes to empty his stomach and recover on the bathroom floor. His body felt heavy and his head even heavier. Right now, the only thing he wanted to do was get back into bed with Noah and sleep the day away. 

When he was sure he could stand he rinsed his mouth, washed his hands, and made his way back into his dorm room. 

That's when he realized that the body in his bed most certainly was not Noah, but instead was Steve. 

From the doorway he let out a yelp, feeling fully awake now, trying to get the older boys attention. 

“Why are you here?” 

And that got the older boys attention. Steve’s eyes flew open with a jolt, and he groggily looked around the room, and then slowly back at Bucky. 

“Why am I here? Why are you here?” 

“Steve, this is my dorm room, why are you in my bed?” 

At that, Steve stretched and sat up in bed. He took a moment to look around and then back at Bucky, something of a scowl on his face. 

“I don’t know Bucky, maybe you forced me into bed with you, that’s what people like you do.” 

“People like me? What is that even supposed to mean?” he responded, desperately wanting to add on, ‘as if you haven’t been initiating everything between us.’ 

“I’m not gay Bucky.” 

And, ok? What was that even supposed to mean? Up until this point Steve has confused the utter crap out of Bucky. The younger boy knew he liked the older boy, at least enough to question his relationship with Noah. For fucks sake, Steve slept in his bed last night, he probably got all snuggly with him while he was sleeping. 

Steve interrupted his thought, and basically stepped on his heart at the same time. 

“I don’t even really like you Bucky.” 

“What the fuck happened last night Steve? Last time I checked, we braley hung out so where is this all coming from and what the fuck happened?” 

Steve let out a huff and swung his legs out from under the covers so he was sitting on the edge of the bed now. The older boy was radiating frustration and anger, which only consumed Bucky more seeing as he had no recollection of the previous evening. 

“Do you even remember anything, anything at all that happened last night?” 

Bucky just shook his head, moving farther into the room from where he was standing in the doorway, “I remember getting to the bar, everything after that is pretty much a blur” Bucky responded, choosing to omit the part where Steve told him to call him daddy.

Steve just rolled his eyes at this, “well Bucky, I’ll have you know that I took you home from the bar because you obviously needed the help. 

“Oh, so you coerced me? I have a boyfriend Steve.” 

Bucky was fuming now. 

“God, no, listen Bucky, you were being sexaully assaulted! What did you expect me to do, sit back and watch? Leave you there?” Steve asked, his voice raising an octave with every sentence.

And that was news to Bucky. 

“What?” Bucky asked, his voice sounding small as all of the fight he previously had bled out of his body.

“Yeah, a random guy had his hand down your pants, you were crying, me and Nat brought you home and when I went to leave you asked me to stay” Steve responded, still very angry. 

“Oh” was all that Bucky could respond to. 

“Yeah, oh, you asked me to stay, and you cuddled up to me real nice, and we both fell asleep,” 

Bucky stood in front of the bed, looking at Steve, this new information hitting him like a bus and right now all he wanted was to talk to Noah and go back to sleep. 

“Ok.”

“That’s all you’re going to say?” 

“Yeah, I mean, what else do you want me to say Steve, I don’t remember anything that happened, the night is pretty fuzzy and this is pretty shocking news, so I think maybe you should go. I need to talk to Noah about this and maybe later today or tomorrow we can like, talk about what happened here. I just think right now you should leave.” 

“Whatever, just leave me alone alright?” Steve responded with a huff, gathered his stuff, and in the blink of an eye he was out of the room.

*~*~*~*~*~*

“Did you sleep with him?”

“I don’t even know how I got home, and honestly I feel taken advantage of.” 

As soon as Steve left Bucky’s room, he broke down into tears and cried on the floor. The news of the night's events made Bucky feel sicker than he already did and he ended up throwing up a few more times. Once he had the strength to gather himself he called Noah, cried some more over the phone, and that’s how they found themselves now. Both sitting on Bucky’s bed talking about the event from the night. 

Noah was silent, looking at Bucky with a sort of sad look on his face. 

“I don’t blame you Bucky, I just want you to know that.” 

“I still can't help but feel bad.” 

“Bucky, if we go through all the scenarios and all the what if’s, we'll be here for hours. What if I hadn't taken Peter home, the night could have gone so many ways, it's unfortunate that it went that way that it did” Noah sighed, scooting closer to Bucky so that he could caress the boys face and pull his head into his lap.

Bucky didn't respond, rather he moved in close and gave Noah a tentative kiss. They both needed the comfort of the other so for the rest of the day they stayed cuddled up in Bucky’s bed, listening to music and just laying peacefully together. 

But Bucky couldn't help but think back to the night before and the memories that were coming back to him, specifically the fact that he and Steve kissed in bed the night before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky gains a lot of online attention with his music and pretty much goes viral, gaining fans and followers on all of his social media platforms! In addition to this, it's finally Halloweekend, which means goofy costumes and getting drunk. Buck smokes so weed with some new friends, and Peter gets so drunk that Noah helps to take him home, leave Bucky with Steve for the evening. Some unwanted crotch groping happens in a bar bathroom, but Bucky is saved by Steve and Nat before things go toooo far! That night Steve takes Bucky home to his dorm room but Bucky doesn't want Steve to leave, so he stays. But smooching does ensue. And in the morning a fight does occur between our two favorite boys, hopefully they can work it out...


	5. Ever Since New York - Harry Styles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Steve, why Steve why!?! Strap in folks, things are getting angsty!! (I'm going to go run and hide now!!)

Bucky and Steve did not hang out after Halloween. In fact, the pair chose to actively avoid each other and any events that they may run into each other at. Bucky could tell that Peter was upset that Bucky was straying away from their group and choosing to isolate himself, but never outwardly approached him about the topic. Bucky did end up filling Peter in on what had happened that night, from sleeping in the same bed, even to the secret kiss the two of them shared that he still hasn't even told Noah about. 

Bucky was playing it off that he no longer wanted to go out to the bars because he was still feeling uncomfortable with what happened at the bar last time he went out, (read - stranger’s hand down his pants). 

And that wasn’t wrong. Among other things, that night's events did plague Bucky some nights and he did start seeing an on campus counselor about the whole event. Talking about it helped and it was a relief for Bucky to have an outsider give him advice about everything. Bucky was gratefully, (even though he would never admit it outloud), that Steve was there that night so that things didn’t escalate past what had happened. 

But therapy wasn’t the only thing Bucky resorted to. John had become Bucky’s right hand man. The more he drifted from Peter and his other friends, Bucky and John started to hang out and experiment more with drugs of all kinds. Of course Bucky still saw Noah more or less everyday, but he saw less of Ned, MJ, Betty, Tony, and the other. Bucky had also graduated from just smoking weed occasionally with John, now regularly doing coke every weekend with his other assortment of friends. Noah stayed silent, but Bucky knew that he wasn’t pleased. 

But Bucky also knew he had to end it with him. 

Bucky never stopped thinking about his kiss with Steve. He replayed it every night, laying in bed alongside Noah. He also actively thought of Steve everytime he and Noah had sex. Bucky no longer moaned out Noah’s name, and they stopped laying chest to chest while Noah would slowly and carefully press into Bucky and tell him he loved him. Now, it was rather, Bucky would push his face into his bedding, his ass high in the air while he imagined it was Steve behind him, his large hands brushing, pushing, and stroking all across his body, his hard chest pressed into his back pinning him down, and his beard running over the back of his neck. And this is all Bucky thought about as Noah gently fucked into him on the nights they had sex. Bucky found he wasn't even getting hard anymore, the longer he let it drag out. So he would fake his orgasms, quickly kiss Noah, and wait until the older boy was asleep before he slipped out to find John and his fix.

And this went on for the rest of the semester. The month of November flew by in a flurry of projects, parties, and people coming in and out of Bucky’s life, and Bucky was high for all of it. Noah and Peter got closer and closer, the more out of control Bucky got. And if Bucky had more than half a mind he would have suspected the two were getting together on the side. The only reason he knew about anything other than his school work and his life with John was because he would hear Noah and Peter chatting while Bucky fluttered around, physically and mentally. 

“Did you hear that Natasha had to do the majority of their final project?” 

“Did you notice how Tony got such sad eyes when I mentioned Bucky was hanging out with John? Apparently the guy who John gets his stuff from was Tony’s dealer his freshman year and Tony more or less was in the same place Bucky is in now.” 

“Tony told me today that Steve took the MCAT yesterday, so hopefully he can start applying to med schools soon!” 

“The club manager called Bucky again today, but I think he was out with John so he missed the call, again. I have half the mind to answer next time so he doesn't miss this opportunity, too.” 

And so on. Bucky was in on the gossip, and didn’t mind that his best friend and boyfriend more or less talked shit about him right to his face. Deep down, Bucly knew he deserved it, that he did this to himself, but what was the point in caring when he didn’t really care what anyone else thought of him at this point. 

It wasn't until the beginning of December and the week of finals that he decided to get his shit together. John was going back home to Californai for winter break, just like everyone else in his extended group of friends, so Bucky decided he needed a plan. 

“Babe, let's go on a date tonight.’

Bucky was sober for the first time in a week and he, Noah, and Peter were all in his room doing homework. 

“What?” Noah’s head shot up from the book he was reading. 

“Yeah, I feel like it’s been a busy couple of weeks, let's go on a date.” 

“Are you the same Bucky I’ve been hanging out with for the past few weeks? Or a robot? Did the government hack into your brain?” 

Bucky chuckled and climbed on top of Noah from where he was sitting on the opposite side of the bed. 

“Alright, this is my que to leave, I’m getting food, I’ll be back in 30 minuetes” Peter said quickly as he jumped off his bed and ran out the door. 

Naoh and Bucky both barked out laughs but that was quickly stopped when Bucky pressed his lips to Noah’s. 

Bucky ran his hand up and under Noah’s shirt, breathing into the kiss, forcing his tongue into Noah’s mouth until the older boy was trembling beneath him and hardening in his pants. He pulled away for a breath and reached his hands into Bucky’s hair to pull slightly. 

“Not that I’m not into this, because baby, believe me I am, but is something wrong? You haven’t seemed to be in the mood recently and I haven't wanted to push you but -” 

Bucky cut him off with another kiss. 

“No, that's on me I’m sorry. Let go out tonight, have a night to ourselves, and you can fill me in on everything I’ve been missing. 

They kissed some more before Bucky slid farther down the bed to give Noah a blow job, successfully getting the older boy to fall apart under his fingers. They got back to their homework and soon after Peter got back to the room where they continued to chat and work on their last few assignments of the semester. 

The night was perfect, Bucky picked a small art cafe for an early dinner and a walk through central park. 

“A real romantic evening, I’m happy we got to share this, Bucky” was the response Noah gave him as he took him to bed that evening. And the two boys loved on each other, giving and receiving slow blow jobs and gentle sex until it was three in the morinng and both boys slowly fell asleep in each others arms. 

*~*~*~*~*~*

But that was just the calm before the storm. Although Bucky stayed sober for the rest of the semester, at the end of that week, Noah took his last final, kissed Bucky goodbye, and left to go home for the extended winter break. 

Bucky called his parents, (one of three whole times he had called the whole semester), and told them that he would not be returning to Indiana for the winter holiday and would rather stay in the city. He received screams from his younger sisters, and a disappointed response from his mother, but his father didn't say a word on the call. 

Bucky finally got around to calling the club manager and started playing gigs every Thursday through Sunday. He was making money and growing his following. He finished the EP he wrote for his class final, and was still working on songs for a complete album. His songs were slowly making their rounds on the internet and people were recognizing him everywhere he went. 

Soon after Noah left, so did Peter. He reminded Bucky over and over that he was more than welcome to come visit him at his apartment in Queens but Bucky reassured him he would be fine in the dorm. 

And just like that, everyone he knew was out of Manhattan. 

Or so he thought. 

Bucky was on his way to a gig one night, braving it against the harsh New York City weather when a black town car pulled up next to him. Bucky wasn't in the mood to get kidnapped so he kept walking, his eyes alert on the sidewalk ahead of him and his music turned off on his airpods. The car followed him for about 30 seconds before it stopped all together and the back passenger side door swung open. Tony jumped out of the car and slowly jogged over to Bucky. 

“A text would have sufficed, you scared me half to death!” Bucky said, taking his airpods out and walking over to the older boy. 

“Bucky! It’s been like, the whole semester! Where have you been?!” 

“Oh you know, busy.”

Bucky didn’t need to tell the older boy that after he and Steve had their little falling out, he'd pretty much been drunk or high for the second half of the semester. Noah had poilety filled him in that everyone was very aware, well maybe everyone except for Steve. No one ever mentioned Steve. 

After chatting briefly, and casually filling each other in on their lives, Tony telling Bucky all about the great work he and Peter did over the past few weeks, and Bucky telling Tony about his new gig setup, Bucky invited Tony to that evening's show!

“It’s not like there are tickets or anything like that, but the club is first come first serve and there is a capacity so if you do want to come, get there on the earlier side!”

Tony reassured Bucky he’d be there and a few friends may even tag along, they said their goodbyes, and Bucky continued his walk through the New York winter wonderland that was midtown. 

When Bucky arrived, he was greeted by a warm rush of air and the smell of charcoal and burning candles. Bucky loved the club, and the other artist that performed with him every night. Their lineup consisted of a few singers, a few comedians, and a few duos, all within the 21-30 age range. Bucky was by far the youngest, the only one still in college, but definitely the artists who pushed the most revenue through the door. Bucky had the longest set at 45 mins where he played 4 songs and got to ad lib the rest. Bucky loved performing, it’s something he knew he liked but his high school talent show didn't really compare to a real crowd with real fans. He said hello to everyone before making his way to his designated corner of the dressing room and started unpacking his bags. His plan for that night, like every other night, was to play 3 crowd favorites, one of the songs he was working on, and then he usually tried to make up a song onstage with help from the audience. 

The rest of his evening preparations went all according to plan, and soon the club owner, Alec, was calling Bucky out onto the stage. 

“Everyone, it's that time of the night, why like half of you are here! Give it up, for Bucky!” 

Bucky stepped onto the small stage and peered out into the crowd while everyone cheered and clapped for him. The club fit about 150 people on the floor, all sat at tables, while the balcony seating probably fit around 200 more people. The room was packed, drinks were flowing, and Bucky was happy. 

And his heart only stopped a little bit when he found Tony’s table and saw Steve sitting there. 

*~*~*~*~*~*

His set was perfect, he played everything perfectly, got the reaction he wanted out of the audience, and even came away with a really cool riff that he's definitely going to use in a song in the future. He was pleased, and he was able to avoid the peering eyes of his friends over at Tony’s table. 

When he was finished packing his things and the next act, a 22 year old comedian named Lauren was heading on stage, Bucky decided to bite the bullet and make his way into the crowd to meet up with everyone. 

He weaved through the tables, stopping to talk to regulars and accepting high-fives from random tables before he finally made it to Tony. At the table, Tony, Steve, Nat, and of course, Steve were sitting around with drinks and a few appetizers. 

“Hey! I’m glad you guys could show! When I saw Tony earlier I wasn’t sure anyone would actually come, this is such a pleasant surprise!” 

He was trying to keep things casual, while also effectively avoiding Steve’s gaze on him. 

He sat at the table on the end next to Nat, Sam was across from him and Steve was at the far end of the table. They chatted, drank, and listened to Lauren perfume, all just enjoying eachothers company. Bucky was able to catch up with everyone, and hear what everyone was doing for the upcoming semester. Sam and Tony both had internships and he and Nat talk about the classes they were both taking next semester. 

“And Stev-o here got into med school!” Tony proclaimed with a cheer! 

“Wow, Steve, congrats!” was all Bucky could respond with. 

“Thanks, but that doesn't mean I’ll go right away, I’m still very keen on pursuing the whole Doctors Without Borders thing and if I can get them to pay for med school and residency then I’ll definitely do that.” 

Bucky stayed quiet but it was no surprise he was impressed. He sent a gentle smile in Steve's direction and then turned back to Nat to finish their conversation. As the night carried on they all ate, drank, and hung out. Bucky only left them to head back stage and grab his jacket before they all left and started off towards a bar. Bucky left everything because he knew he would be back at the club the next night anyways and he didn't want to carry everything around with him all night. 

They made it to the first place where Tony ordered shots for everyone and kept the party going. 

Four shots later and a bit of rousing and drunken singing, Bucky was what you’d call a ‘happy drunk.’ 

He didn’t even mind that Steve was there, or better yet, he didn’t even notice that he didn't mind that Steve was there, seeing as he was currently leaning against the older boy, with his arm slung around his broad shoulders.

Steve’s hand was in his back pocket, such a romantic clichè but Bucky couldn't even seem to care. And the night progressed on, with more drinks, more yelling, and even at one point Sam smooching Tony on the cheek before calling it a night and grabbing Nat by the waist and pulling her out of the bar, yelling back at them that they were off on an adventure, probably heading to another bar. 

With chuckles from the remaining boy, Bucky realized he too should probably start getting home. 

“Bucky man, are you going to walk, do you want a ride, or do you want an escort? Where are you even staying?” Tony asked. 

“Oh I’m still in my dorm, imma just, uh, gonna walk I guess” He drunkenly repsoded. 

“If you say so kiddo, let's get you started then.” 

“If you want, I’ll walk back with you, I’m headed that way anyways.”

Bucky just shrugged, not really sure where his head was at or what Steve was suggesting, “If you wanna.”

The three of them gathered their things and made their way out, Tony giving Bucky a hug saying a ‘happy holidays’ if he didn't see him before the holidays. 

Steve and Bucky started walking when Bucky started patting around his pockets. 

“Oh fuck, I dont have my key.”

“You wanna head to the club? If not you can come to mine?” 

Bucky was too drunk to responde, (and too subconsciously delusional to tell Steve no) so Bucky just nodded and said in a small voice, “yes please.” 

And off they went, Steve's arm around Bucky keeping him warm and leading him in the right direction. The alcohol was setting in and Bucky could feel it, but couldn't be arsed to care, or change his behavior from the bad decision he knew he was about to make. 

*~*~*~*~*~*

Soon enough, they were in Steve’s apartment. Bucky didn't even remember the walk. And Bucky couldn't even feel his legs carrying him over to the couch before he was plopping down and closing his eyes. He felt the couch dip beside him and Steve’s hand run up his hip and back down his leg. 

“You need anything?”

You. 

Steve cleared his throat. 

Bucky’s eyes shot open. 

“Oh fuck, did I say that outloud?” 

Steve didn't respond. Instead he just looked at Bucky’s lips and quickly leaned in. 

In an instant Bucky was pressed against the couch and Steve was on him, legs straddling his hips, kissing him passionately. 

Steve kisses him. Bucky pushes him away. Steve leans in again, this time more forcefully. 

“Steve, stop, don’t do this you don’t want this,” Bucky says, pushing the older boy off.

“But I know you want this, James.”

And Bucky couldn’t even be mad that he had called him James. 

And who was Bucky to tell him he was wrong. 

Bucky let Steve overpower him, deepen this kiss and run his hands all over his body. 

Again in an instant, Bucky’s pants were off and soon enough Steve took him in his mouth, fully down his throat. 

“Oh fuck, Steve!” 

And Steve just continued, bobbing his head up and down, running his tongue down and around the tip, making him scream out in ecstasy. 

And just as fast as he had taken Bucky into his mouth, he was gone. Before Bucky could sit up, Steve was pulling his shit and his own pants off and his lips were back on Bucky's. 

"Do you want this?" Steve asked. 

Without hesitation, "yes."

So Steve got up, and ran into his room. At the same time Bucky pulled his shirt off and spread his legs a little wider on the couch.

Steve came back with lube and a condom and quickly got to work, and immediately lining himself up with Bucky. 

"Are you sure." 

"Yes, Steve, please just fuck me" Bucky whined, scooting closer to Steve trying to fuck himself on Steve. 

Without anymore hesitation, Steve quickly pushed in and groaned, dropping his head on Bucky's shoulder. 

He started at a brutal pace, but Bucky couldn't be happier, moaning and crying out, begging for Steve to make him come. 

Steve soon bottomed out, and with a long groan the two of them finished together. 

Bucky shivered as Steve pulled out and dropped his body back on top of his own. They were both panting and sweaty, on the brink of sleep. 

When Steve finally got up and pulled his pants back on and went to grab a blanket. He covered Bucky with a blanket before shuffling back onto the couch and heard him mumble in his sleep,

"I like you Steve."

And Steve's not even sure he said it, Bucky not sure he heard it, but spoken into the quiet room was, 

"I don’t even like you, Buck."

*~*~*~*~*~*

Bucky woke up and it was déjà vu. He wasn't even sure it happened. 

His eyes opened wide as the sun shone onto his face from the open window. He had to get his bearings, where was his and why was Steve Rogers pressed against his back. 

Why were they naked?

Bucky feels like he just got slapped in the face. 

I don’t even like you, Buck. 

The words echoed in his head. 

"You called me Buck." 

Steve just groaned behind him, tightening his arms around Bucky's middle.

"What?" and in any other situation his morning voice would have turned him on. 

"You called me Buck, not James." 

"So? Can't this wait?" Steve asked. fully waking up now, rolling over Bucky and was standing in the middle of the living room. 

"You don't like me."

Everything was coming back to him now. The whole night, and Bucky felt dirty.

"I cheated on Noah" Bucky continued to talk, now sitting up on the couch.

"Again, so? You said you wanted me, so I gave you me, what's the big deal?" 

"Are you serious right now? Weeks ago you were screaming at me that you weren't gay, that you wanted nothing to do with me basically and now, now, we, Steve we had sex!" 

"Yeah, sex, Bucky nothing special!"

"But I like you Steve! This was supposed to be special!" Bucky was now crying out, he could feel tears prickling behind his eyes. 

"Doesn't mean I like you, James!" And, ouch. There was the James again. 

“Oh for fucks sake Steve, tell me something I don't already know. You've made it very clear that you don’t feel that way about me, so why'd you fuck me? Why'd you offer to take me home? Why Steve? Why not just just leave me alone, huh?”

"So what? It's not a big deal, get over yourself" Steve said with a roll of his eyes. 

“So what? You’re ruining my relationship with Noah, you kiss me, for what? Just to hurt me? Sorry to break it to you Steve but I’m secure in my sexualtiy!” Bucky was now screaming at the older boy.

Steve just stared at him blankly, not letting Bucky see or feel any type of emotion radiating off of him. 

"Why Steve, why? What did you achieve from this? Power? Do you like seeing me cry is that it? You have some power kink? Huh!" 

"Sure, James, this is all about you, always has, been, always will be."

Bucky was fully crying right now, absolutely confused and feeling destroyed.

“Please, Steve, just let me let you go, please.” 

"I don't even know what that fucking means, just get the fuck out of here."

And with that Steve gave him one more cold look and walked into the kitchen, leaving naked in the living room. 

He quickly grabbed his belongings and ran outside. He was heaving at this point on the sidewalk, tears streaming down his face and he fumbled with his phone to make a call.

He found the name he needed and dialed. At this point he was sitting on the New York City sidewalk, but he still didn't feel as dirty as he did inside Steve's apartment. 

"Peter, I need you, please." 

And with that, Bucky just started to cry all over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's pretend I know anything about med school ok?? (because I don't!) I’m sorry this chapter was delayed! I wanted so desperately to post on Sunday but school bla bla bla! Anyways! Here is it! I'm going to 100% try to get the next chapter out this sunday so fingers crossed and see you soon!!!


	6. To Be So Lonely - Harry Styles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We made it!! The last chapter!! I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!!

The previous night's events were Bucky’s breaking point. He was numb, he didn’t know where he was and who he was with, he was just moving through the movements. But undoubtedly a lot had happened since he called Peter.

The knowledge that Sam and Nat lived with Steve seemed to slip his mind last night because very soon after Bucky had left the apartment, Nat had her arms wrapped around his shoulder mumbling something along the lines of, “I’m going to kill him,” all the while Sam was doing the, literal, heavy lifting of getting Bucky off of the sidewalk and onto the stoop. Steve was nowhere in sight, but that was to be expected.

Despite the haze he was in, he recognized Nat calling Peter a second time and reassuring him that she was going to sit with Bucky and stay on the phone with him until Peter arrived at their apartment. Peter and Nat chatted about everything and nothing while Bucky just stared at the cars driving down the block and the pedestrians on their way to work, no one paying attention to the panic attack Bucky was having because this was in fact, New York City.

Nat continued to run a reassuring hand up and down his back as he tired to get his breathing under control.

“That’s it, yeah, let's take breaths together. Deep one in, and out, yeah you got it. Kinda like a vocal, no?”

Nat continued to try and engage Bucky in conversation, but was unsuccessful. It’s almost as if Bucky had entered tunnel vision and was currently just fixated on the sidewalk in front of him. At some point Sam had come back outside and was also talking to Bucky unsuccessfully. The two of them were cradling Bucky on the stoop, realizing that engaging Bucky was going to be a flop so they chose to speak quietly to just each other. But Bucky could still pick up on the threats they whispered about Steve.

“I’m no kidding Sam, I will kill him, Bucky is such a sweet kid and we todl Steve not to play with his emotions like they but here we are…”

Before Nat could continue, Peter turned the corner, face red and breathing heavy. He was sprinting down the block, dodging dog walkers and morning commuters.

“Oh my god, Bucky! I’m here, I’m here!”

Peter came up the steps and gathered Bucky in his own arms, whispering reassurance in his ear and Bucky’s tears started back up again upon first seeing Peter.

Nat, Sam, and Peter organized an uber and all headed back to Peter’s house in Queens. They all agreed that the worst thing for Bucky right now would be sitting alone in his NYU dorm room. Once they got there, Bucky was ushered into the living room and tucked in on the couch. He was given a cup of tea and they turned on the hallmark channel where the 25 Day of Christmas Marathon was playing, something to numb the pain he was feeling. But that’s exactly what he was, numb. Bucky didn’t know what or how to feel right now.

In the other room, Nat and Sam filled Peter in on what they knew.

“They hooked up, that's for sure, Bucky was pretty distraught about the whole encounter, especially that he cheated on Noah, so maybe in a few days have Buck call him, figure that all out?” Nat suggested.

“Oh fuck, that’s goning to end in another meltdown like this one, not sure whose going to fare worse though, Noah or Bucky” Peter acknowledged.

Throughout the whole semester Peter and Noah had both grown a lot closer, both playing major roles in Bucky’s lives, and in the back of his head, this was going to destroy both of the boys.

After letting Nat and Sam know he had everything under control, Peter sent them both home and headed to the living room to comfort Bucky.

“Come here, buck” and that's all Peter had to say and the waterworks started again.

Bucky was sobbing on the couch, how whole body was shaking, and all Peter could do was wrap his arms around the other boy and hug him tighter.

“I’m so fucking stuipid Peter, why did I let this happen? All of the sighs were there, in the back of my head I knew this was the outcome but I was so blind, I just wanted him to like me back, so want to be with me, I just-” he cut himself off with a hiccup and more tears.

Peter didn’t respond, didn’t know how to respond. So instead, he just cuddled up closer to Bucky and just like that the two of them fell asleep with Frosty the Snowman playing on the TV in the background.

*~*~*~*~*~*

And that’s how the days continued. Bucky and Peter, watching movies, hanging out, and trying to figure out where to go from here.

“I think you should call him,” Peter said one afternoon over grilled cheese sandwiches and more Cristamas movies.

“I know,” Bucky hesitated, “I just, I already know what’s going to happen.”

“Then it’ll be easy?” Peter was trying to be optimistic.

Bucky just sighed and shook his head. After a few moments of silence he reached his hand out for his phone, (that was one of the things that Nat, Sam, and Peter had agreed was essential for Bucky right now, having his phone. They didn’t want him falling into a deeper depression that he already was in, or worse, trying to call John for drugs to ‘help’ him through his feelings).

Peter handed him his phone and with a small smile promised if he needed him, he'd just be in the next room.

Bucky opened his contacts, dialled, and waited.

As the phone continued to ring, the more anxious Bucky got.

“This is so dumb, this is going to end so bad” he whispeted to himself.

Right before he was going to call it a bust, declare himself to chicken, the line connected.

“Bucky?”

He let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding.

“Noah, hi” he said sheepishly.

Here goes nothing.

“Noah, we should talk.”

“Bucky what’s wrong, I haven’t heard from you in like, over a week, is everything ok?”

“No, nothing is ‘ok’ that’s why I’m calling.”

Noah was silent, waiting for Bucky to continue.

“I’m sorry Noah, I’m just going to hurt you, more than I already have, and that’s not fair to you.”

Bucky’s breath was shaky, his nose was running and he's pretty sure Noah could hear how much of a mess he was on the other end of the line but he did not interrupt him. He’s not even sure when he started crying.

“I’m sorry Noah, I slept with Steve.”

Again, Noah was silent. And Bucky didn’t know what to do other than fill the air.

“I hope one day we can be friends, I really do, and I really love you, but this isn't good for either of us, and I don't want to hurt you.”

“You already have, Bucky.” The line went dead.

It felt like the little bit of his heart that he had left was ripped out as the line went dead, and all Bucky could do was let his phone drop and his tears flow freely.

Peter peaked his head out from the other room, waiting for Bucky to meet his gaze. After a moment, Bucky looked up from where he was staring at his phone in his lap, his eyes shining with tears.

“You know, I knew that was going to happen, I knew he wouldn't take me back, or hear me out. I deserve that much, I’ve been so terrible to him, but I thought it would hurt more, I thought I would care more. But. I don’t.”

“Oh, Bucky” Peter just gave him a sad smile and gathered him up in his arms.

Tears welled in Bucky’s eyes, but did fall.

“I’m just so tired of being sad about all of this.”

*~*~*~*~*~*

Life continued on and Bucky stayed with Peter. Through Christmas and New Years. Bucky stayed with Peter and his aunt, celebrating the holidays and trying to pretend he was a functioning human in society. Bucky continued to play at the club, trying to keep some semblance of normalcy in his everyday life. And it wasn’t for nothing. The days following his phone call with Noah, Bucky furiously started writing music and now was performing full albums at the club every night he performed. His fame kept growing, his fan base expanding, and he was reaching virality online with every song he put out. Bucky was a hit, managers from all over the country reaching out to him, labels wanting to sign him, and so on.

In the grand scheme of everything, this acted as a great distraction for Bucky, and everyone around him was grateful for it.

In the new year, right before the spring semester began, Bucky was contacted by the S.H.I.E.L.D Music corporation. They wanted to monitor his success, and if everything went according to plan, purchase the rights to the next album he released, send him on a world tour, and represent him in a five album deal.

Bucky was floored, over the moon, a great distraction it was. And of course he said yes.

And considering the way the last semester had gone, Bucky could only think of one way to go about it.

“I’m just going to drop out”

And then all hell broke loose.

“Bucky are you sure that’s definitely a good idea?”

“Bucky, come on let's think about this!”

“Buck, man, Buckmister, no.”

Currently, Bucky, Peter, Nat, and Tony were all in their small NYU dorm room, helping the two boys settle in when Bucky sprang the news on them.

“Well what's the point, last semester was a total shit show, and I have this great opportunity to start my career, stay away from all distractions, it sounds great to me!”

Bucky didn’t understand why no one else was being optimistic about this.

“Buck, we just don’t want you to jump to conclusions because you’re feeling over emotional or pressured into a decision, we just want what's best for you” Nat stepped forward and responded.

“Clario took a year off from Syracuse, I’m just doing the exact same thing”

“Yeah but you have no intention of coming back, do you Bucky? Asks Peter.

“We’ll still be besties, don’t you worry.”

With a sign, Peter moved in closer to embrace Bucky and give him a hug.

“At least wait until spring break, don’t jump to conclusions just yet, sleep on it a little bit, please?” Peter pleaded.

The others in the room let out comforting grunts and little affirmative cheers, echoing Peter’s request, and what the hell, Bucky could humor them for a few weeks.

And on they went. New semester, new classes, new schedules, new everything.

Bucky went to his classes, hung out with his friends, stayed away from drugs, and did his best to make everyday worthwhile.

His friend group was significantly smaller now, the circle reaching just Peter, Nat, Sam, and Tony.

From time to time they still saw the other, Wanda and Pietro, Clint, MJ, Ned, and Betty, but that only really happened if they saw them out at the bar or a dorm party.

Bucky was happy with the smaller group, he knew he could trust them, they had his best interest at heart, and it was easier to manage than the social butterfly personality he’d put on for last semester.

From time to time he heard about Steve and Noah through the grapevine. Noah and Peter still hangout regularly and become really great friends despite everything that happened with Bucky. And Nat and Sam still very much lived with Steve.

“Noah is seeing someone, they go to Pratt.”

“That’s nice.”

“Steve got accepted into Medical School, I think he’s picking between some New York schools, maybe Duke, maybe California, not sure, haven't really talked to him recently. I do know he’s going to accept a Doctors Without Borders position, however.”

“Wow, that’s incredible.”

Bucky appreciated the information, and he knew what his friends were trying to do, and some days were easier than others, but most days he would just respond with a smile and very few words in response.

It’s not that he didn’t want to think about either of the boys, just he didn’t want to actively engage with them and give them brain space if he didn’t have to, they caused an unnecessary amount of anxiety.

But life carried on, and so did Bucky.

He kept performing at the club and it was right around spring break that things really began to kick up. S.H.I.E.L.D wanted a definite answer from Bucky and let's not act surprised, everyone knew what he was going to choose. So after a long chat with his advisor and a few last minute goodbyes with his favorite professors, Bucky officially took an extended leave of absence on Friday leading into spring break.

“Extended leave of absence, my ass. You’re never coming back” Peter chimed in as they walked out of the registration office.

“Doesn’t mean you can get rid of us, though!” Added Sam from his other side.

Bucky smiled in between the two boys.

“Thanks for having my back guys.” And Bucky hadn’t felt this good since the very first week of the previous semester.

The boys walked along the street joking around and making plans for the evening, what they were going to eat for dinner, how they were going to celebrate, and so on.

“Buck, when are you going to start moving out?” Sam asked, “I just want to make sure we can all help you find a place, move you out, do you even have a place? Are you moving back to Indiana?”

“Oh, hell no, S.H.I.E.L.D actually have an apartment for me, obviously I’ll be paying for it, but they like, set everything up so that's helpful. I get the key tomorrow so I guess we could start moving me out asap!” Bucky was so excited. His leave of absence meant he had to move out of the dorm immediately, so the apartment from the record label was a nice touch.

So with a plan in place for the evening, Sam said goodbye and left the boys to walk back to their dorm, promising to meet up with them at the club later that evening. They were going to go to the club Bucky performed at to see him one last time and head out for dinner and drinks afterwards.

Bucky and Peter made it back to their dorm in record time, cheery as ever, and excited for the evening.

“There is no way in hell I’m going to let anything ruin my night,” Bucky proclaimed, matter-of-factly.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Well, one thing could ruin his night. And that one thing just so happened to be tall, blond, and named Steve Rogers.

Somehow, Steve caught wind of the plans for the evening and showed up on his own terms. He may have mentioned it to Tony in passing, and he may have brought it up to Peter, but the news didn’t make its way back to Bucky until after he’d gotten on stage after his set at the club, only to see Steve sitting there at the table amongst all his friends.

“Great show as usual, Buck!” Sam got up and greeted him as he made his way over.

Everyone exchanged congratulations, but it didn't go unnoticed by Bucky that Steve stayed silent. They stayed for a few more sets, comedy and music alike, but soon they were packing up and hitting the streets.

A few bars later, the drinks were flowing and Bucky was trying to ignore Steve’s presence. He surrounded himself with Peter and Nat especially, thankful that Tony was taking one for the team and entertaining Steve, keeping him on the outskirts.

But their efforts could only work for so long. They left the bar, choosing to say their goodbyes for the evening, with promises to help Bucky pack in the morning. Bucky and his crew made it outside of their dorm building before Steve chose that moment to corner Bucky.

“Steve” Buck said cooly, not stopping his pace along the sidewalk, the others giving them some space about ten or so paces behind them.

“Buck” Steve responded quietly.

Without letting Steve have a moment to speak, Bucky turned to him.

“Do you need something, Steve?”

“Can we talk?” he asked, turning his head to look at their friends, “in private,” he followed up, looking back at Bucky..

Bucky took a moment to look over in Peter’s direction and make eye contact. The two boys exchanged a look, Peter giving a little nod in his direction as if to say he’ll keep everyone back for a few mins so that he and Steve could speak.

Bucky turned back to Steve, and in a quick moment said, “sure, quickly,” and into the building and up to his and Peter’s room they went.

Steve didn’t say anything until they were in the room. Steve standing by the door, Bucky by the window. They were facing each other and out of the corner of his eye, Bucky could see everyone on the sidewalk down below.

“Buck” was all Steve said for a second time.

“What Steve?” now fully turning his body to give Steve his attention.

“I just want to talk.”

“About what? Really? About how you broke my heart? About how you ruined my relationship with Noah? What Steve?”

“Oh please, Bucky, your relationship with Noah was failing from the beginning, you had no chance” Steve said absently, rolling his eyes.

“How would you know Steve!” Bucky was starting to raise his voice, no doubt gaining the attention of his neighbors, college dorm walls weren’t very thin.

“Because Bucky, you’ve made it very clear these past few months you're obsessed with me!”

“Way to sound a little self-centered Steve, why are we even having this conversation?” Bucky was starting to get agitated, failing to keep his cool.

But he continued on.

“And yeah Steve, big whoop, I liked you - I like you, still, for some reason. I can’t seem to stop thinking about you” Bucky said, his tone getting softer as he spoke. Steve was effectively breaking him down, but he couldn’t be damned to do anything about it, instead he just poured his heart out.

“And you know what Steve, I know you don’t like me, fine, whatever, but you fucked me, literally but also mentlaly because now, now you’re all I can think about. So unless you’re here to tell me you also like me, please spare me the heartache.”

Bucky was basically pleading now. He didn’t know why Steve wanted to talk to him or what he was going to say, but if he only came up here with him to break his heart, Bucky’s not sure he could handle it.

There was a brief moment of pause, and then everything happened so quickly Bucky at first thought it was a dream.

Steve was on him, hand in his hair, lips pressed to his lips, and his tongue forcefully pressing itself inside Bucky's mouth. But before he could deepen it or even enjoy the sensation of Steve’s lips on his own, hands were on his shoulders shoving him away aggressively and when he opened his eyes, Steve was staring back at him with an unreadable expression.

“You know what, Buck? You’re right. I don’t like you, I don’t even care about you. I have no idea why I came tonight.”

And ouch, that hurt. But Steve just kept talking.

“And you know what, I think it’s your fault any of this happened in the first place, if you just hadn’t loved me to start with, none of -” but Bucky cut him off.

Before he spoke he felt his knees give out, as if the ground was about to swallow him whole.

“Stop! You can’t. Do not. Don’t blame me for falling. Or calling. Or loving you!You don’t love me. You can’t love me. Just leave.”

And once again, Steve left Bucky.

At that moment, Steve didn’t know what he was doing but looking back, it was the biggest regret he had after not saying goodbye to his mom before she died. He just shook his head and walked away, leaving Bucky to fall to the floor in a heap, a sob wracking his body. Bucky didn't know how long he was on the floor screaming and pounding on the floor in anguish, but soon there was a hand on his shoulder and soon a flurry of arms wrapping around him, holding him close. Peter, Nat, and Sam had all surrounded him as Tony stood in the doorway of his dorm room cruising under his breath about how he was going to “kill him I swear to God” and soon he was gone too. The world was spinning around him and someone was whispering calming words in his ear and before he knew it the world around him became black and he drifted off to sleep.

Steve made it out of the building with an unreadable expression on his face. By the time Tony caught up with him on the sidewalk around the corner to curse him out, all Steve could do was shake his head and continue to walk away.

And six years would go by before he’d confront any of them ever again.

Back in his dorm, Bucky did what Bucky did best, he sat down, ignored the concern from his friends as the tears continued to fall from his eyes, his vision blurry, and the world around him was drowned out by the white noise in his brain, and he wrote a song.

*~*~*~*~*~*

_**Don't blame me for fallin'** _   
_**I was just a little boy** _   
_**Don't blame the drunk caller** _   
_**Wasn't ready for it all** _   
_**You can't blame me, darling** _   
_**Not even a little bit** _   
_**I was away** _   
_**And I'm just an arrogant son of a bitch** _   
_**Who can't admit when he's sorry.** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not crying, you're crying 😭 IM SORRY OKAY??! (I've been in my bag recently and I needed a bit of angst in my life, can you blame me?) 
> 
>   
> THAT'S THE END OF PART ONE! Look out for part TWO, hopefully coming soon! It’s gonna be called meet me in the hallway :( more angst to come, but a happy ending is coming I swear just trUST ME!! 
> 
> Please let me know what you think, your opinions, what you liked, what you hated, and I look forward to chatting in the comments and in the stories to come!! 💖


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